Jen to Lose

Water is My Motivater!

2011-07-04T22:00:00.001-05:00

I have actually been tracking my eating and getting regular activity in--a huge accomplishment for me. Another thing that I'm doing differently, that I haven't done over the last nine months is--I've been drinking TONS of water! And I'm loving it!

Every time I take a drink, I think, "Yep, I'm in this." Every 10 minutes when I'm in the bathroom, I think, "yep, still going." When I'm doing laundry, its, fold a basket, take a huge drink. Go put some clothes away, maybe go to the bathroom, come back, take a huge drink.

So why is drinking water working for me?
--Focusing on drinking the water is a constant reminder for me that I am on my game. I'm working towards my goals. I'm living deliberately.
--It's a distraction from eating other stuff--the stuff I crave.
--It fills me up!
--And I think my body is feeling better because I'm so hydrated.

A Few Water Things that Work for Me
I know some people hate water, and I'm so glad I'm not one of them. But sometimes I find it harder than others to get the water in. It's summer now, so the warm weather helps. But during the cold, long MN winter, it's not as easy for me. Here are a few things I try to do to keep in the water game:

--Drink out of a bottle that I LOVE! I have two "special" water bottles that I really like (it's worth the investment), and I use them both. I LOVE shopping for water bottles. My kids, of course, think that the water in Mom's bottles tastes better than theirs, so I sometimes share. But I try to keep my water bottles just for me! Buying a new water bottle would be a great reward for a scale or NSV.

--Work Out! I always want to drink TONS of water after I've built up a sweat--especially if I push myself hard. Now I'm not a die hard "worker outer" but I'm trying to be consistent. Pushing myself involves doing some jogging and walking faster than I want to.

--Plan your outdoor workouts around the port-a-potties. Nothing ruins a workout more than having that "I have to go" feeling through your entire workout. We have lots of parks in our general neighborhood, so I know if I can just make it to the park, I will be OK. And then I can keep on going!

--Drink it in the morning. Sometimes just starting my day with the water helps me focus on what I really want--and staying on track. It also helps me get the bathroom runs out of the way earlier in the day.

--Limit coffee. During the cold months, I love to drink WAY too much coffee, but if I can limit myself to one big cup, I can hit the water right away and get on with it! Works for me.

--Drink some milk! Funny to say that here, but I think it's a good thing. I'm am NOT a milk lover, but I think it's good for my body--so I also need some incentive to get the milk in. And it's good for my kids to see me drinking milk. So I try to drink a glass of milk with either lunch or dinner or both, or I try to make a smoothie with milk. And since I need a little incentive for drinking milk, I count it toward my water consumption. Works for me.

--Add citrus. To freshen up my water, I love to squeeze in a little lemon or lime. Sometimes a little change is enough to perk up my taste buds and help me drink and drink--delish!

So that's what I got. And I know I'm going to have to come back and read this some time when the motivation is on the down side.

But for now, I'm going strong, I'm getting the water in, and I'm heading to the bathroom. . .

Do you have any tips for getting the water in and loving it?

Challenge of Changing Food Habits

2011-06-29T22:35:00.001-05:00

If you have ever been like me and have used food for entertainment, for relaxation, or for reward, changing those eating habits can be a major challenge. I am finding that running errands and regular daily activities can be major triggers for me. Just going about my daily life, I am faced with decision after decision. Just a few examples. . . and at the end, what I learned from writing these down:

--I'm grocery shopping. Should I buy that big chocolate bar (that's only around $1)? You know, the one you usually buy as a little, on the side, treat. The one that you can eat as you drive home. The one that has almonds in for a little crunch. I often go to more that one grocery store in a week, so, again, I'm faced with a challenge--with the decision. Should I buy that chocolate bar, you know the one. . . .

--Running Errands by Myself. Should I just stop at Caribou and buy a medium Mocha (regular, milk chocolate). I'll just get it this last time, and tomorrow, I will be eating better. You could really use a little treat. And don't you deserve it. You finally have a kid-free moment--take a break. It's just a little something. Tomorrow, I will make better decisions.

--Running Errands. It's almost lunch time and I didn't have that morning snack. Maybe I should just stop for fast food (you know which one--the worst food ever--cheaply made and tastes cheap, but for some sick reason, I'm drawn to it). If I get the fast food, I won't have to make a big mess in my kitchen. But at the same time, I don't want to feed my kids garbage. Maybe I'll just get it for me and make my kids regular lunch. I'm not really on plan, so I might as well. . .

--Weight Watcher Meetings. Even my WW leave me with a decision to make, since I've developed a bad habit. Had a great meeting--I'm challenged to give this a go, but perhaps I should start a little later. I hear that fast food calling my name (that same one). What should I do? That fast food would sure taste good. I don't really need to start right this instance, do I? Do I want to get to work, or do I want to make it happen later. I have my little guy with me, so it's kind of hard to focus. Might as well get something to eat. . . .

As I read this, I realize that I am going to face these kinds of decisions every day, every hour, and with the regular activities of my life. Graduation parties, family potlucks, barbecues with friends, holidays. Going shopping, going on vacation. . . . the list of events that triggers me to eat for the wrong reason is unending. The list is the events of my life!

HOWEVER, if I can make the ONE decision, the ONE decision, to treat my body with the respect and care and love it deserves, perhaps dealing with the daily, hourly, smaller decisions will be more manageable. Perhaps recognizing that the chocolate bar, and the coffee drink, and the fast food are NOT really treats, are NOT really rewards. They are part of a self destructive behavior--a self destruction pattern--and they are not giving anything good to my body or my mind!

Life is about decisions. Changing old habits and patterns is about decisions. Losing weight is about deciding. Living a healthy and full life is about deciding.

Next I want to talk about strategies to help with the daily decisions that can trigger poor food decisions. I have a few I want to point out to myself soon. Do you have any suggestions?

Talk Is Cheap

2011-06-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

I like to talk a lot. I like to think a lot. About what I could and should do to lose a little weight. Or a lot of weight. I stay in this thinking state far too long. Too often. It becomes a holding pattern. A state of procrastination. Thinking. Which is really talking to myself. And talk is cheap. Talk is not action!

Lately, I find myself getting mad at my husband lately--at least mad at him in my mind. I haven't talked to him about this--yet. I might need to or I might not. (Remember, talk is cheap). This past winter, my husband decided to take more control over his health. We decided to get the gym membership, and he started to use it on a regular basis. He still uses it on a regular basis. He makes it a priority in his life. He makes the choice to go--and he does it more often than not! He is putting himself first. He is acting on his cheap talk, and actually he doesn't talk a lot.

Why can't I do that too! And in a way, I have started to resent him for it, or at least be a little mad at him in my mind. Why is he taking all of this time for himself? Here I am stuck with the weight of everything in our family. I'm stuck with three kids needing me constantly. I have to do everything--take care of the kids, the house, the food, the organization, the financial budgeting, the calendar. Why can't I take that time for myself too? Why can't I make the choice--why can't I choose me and stick to it?? Why can't I do what he is doing?

And the real--TRUE--answer is that I can! My husband is not the one stopping me from making a choice and acting on it. In reality, he would and could easily support me! In reality, he would help me make this happen. But first, I have to make the choice and act on it! I have to choose me! I have to stop living in this state of deciding. I have to make myself and my health and my weight loss goals a priority. I have to start living my cheap talk. Better yet, I need to stop talking!

For some reason at this stage in my game, choosing me has been a hard thing to do. I choose my children. I choose my family. I choose the "mom" role of who I am instead of the "me" that I am. I know that this kind of talk is somewhat cliche in the "mom" world--"you have to take care of yourself. you have to put yourself first and it will make you a better mom, blah, blah, blah."

For some reason, I'm afraid to choose me. I don't even know who I am any more, and saying that is so cliche, it kind of makes me sick. But this is my blog, and my cheap talk, so I'm going to say it.

At the same time, I feel like--if I could just start acting on my cheap talk--I might just find that answer!

I have recently been enjoying the writings and musings of Rachel Held Evans, and in the comments of one of her posts, someone mentioned this saying from Alcoholics Anonymous: "I can't think myself into acting right, but I can act myself into thinking right." This little saying gives me some hope, and seems to apply to my struggles.

All of this thinking and cheap talk isn't going to get me to do the work. But if I start doing the work. And if I keep trying to do the work, and do the work, and do the work, maybe, just maybe, my little old life will start making some sense. And the questions I hold about it all will start to make sense. I'm going to try to hold on to this saying and move forward.

Talk is cheap. Don't I know it!

Why a Weight Loss Blog

2011-06-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

I've thought about blogging a lot--that is if I should do it or not. I was first introduced to blogging a few years ago when I became very interested in serious coupon use to save $$$ at the grocery store. (Man, you really can save lots of money, and the resources that are out there are awesome--but for this sorry momma--it takes tons of time--something I don't have a lot of!)

When I was pregnant with my third babe, I decided to start a blog dedicated to matching coupons to the sales flyers at my local grocery stores. But I quickly found out that this was waaaaaay too much work for me and my verbose writing style (and there were other people out there doing a much better job at this than I ever could). I wasn't interested in teaching people or making blogging my life. I just wanted to share my story.

So I decided to change focus and write more of a frugal living blog--one where I could talk about living a simple yet full life--one that keeps my spending in check. (If you are really interested in my bloggy past, you can check it out--sorry lots of dead links since I abandoned the original web address).
But I quickly found that I couldn't maintain the blog and my sanity and keep my bathrooms clean all at the same time (well my bathrooms still are not clean, but that's not really the point), so I threw in the towel.

By this point, I became really interested in reading weight loss blogs, and decided that I too could use blogging as a tool to lose weight. I thought it would be a great way to track my progress, communicate with others like me, and to find motivation. I totally, totally think blogging can be all of those things for me. I just underestimated how my life would change with a new babe (now almost two years old)--and I underestimated how little focused computer time I would be able to find in my life. So for the first 18 months of my little guys life, I tried to write here, I tried to figure out what I was really doing with my "mom" life and with MY life and what I really wanted. But I fizzled out. . . time and time again.

But life goes on and I am still here dealing with my lil old life and challenges. Since the last time I blogged, I have made a few changes. I have decided to re-join Weight Watchers, which I'm sure I'll blog tons more about in the future. In any case, I decided I would work their program, use all of their tools, and focus all of my weight loss energy on what they have to offer. I was excited to find out that they actually have a blogging tool available through their e-tools. I tried to use it, but have found ONE MAJOR FLAW for me and the way I work: you can't save drafts!!! You have to write and publish all at the same time. Or I could have tried to first write in Word and then copy over to the blog, but this seemed way too tedious to me, so I let the WW blogging go as well.

So I am now back to Blogger and my little old weight loss blog--and I'm going to give the writing a shot. I'm still contemplating how to use this best--like should I use it as a journal and ramble on and on. How personal should I get? Do I really want to post all of my dirty details here? Are you really going to bear your soul Jen?

And I've contemplated if I should stick with Blogger? Shouldn't I try Wordpress where I can get more serious about blogging? And shouldn't I buy my own domain name? And shouldn't I make my blog prettier and more professional and . . . ? And shouldn't I change the name of my blog and find that perfect name? Seriously, these are the silly thoughts that infect my mind and keep my from doing the real work, keep me in the little limbo state that has been my life up to this point. You know what that real work is don't you? You know. . . actually WRITING on this blog thing . . and moving your body. . . and going to the gym. . . and walking. . . . and eating some fruit and veggies now and then. . . . and getting some sleep. . . . and doing it over and over and over again. That's the real work, you know! That's the real meat of it. Write, Act, live!

So I'm a-writing --right here for a while. I'm excited to see where this takes me. I'm encouraged. I'm glad I'm here. So if you are a-reading, feel free to say "hey" and leave a comment. We've got to keep trying right? I know I do.

Hunting for a New Pattern

2011-06-19T22:00:00.001-05:00

I know that -- for me -- long term weight loss success and sustainability needs to involved shedding the bad habits and creating new patterns in my life to follow. Patterns that involve healthy eating. Patterns that involve moving my body. Patterns that involve grocery planning and meal planning and getting enough sleep and using moderation. Patterns that involve managing stress with something other than overeating.

Another major part of this weight loss journey is figuring out what the patterns are that I really need in my life. And making the pattern a pattern -- by repeating it over and over and over.

Lately, I feel as if I have been repeating old habits--the same old pattern. Here's my situation:

Part one of the pattern: Life with three kids and business happens and takes over my life and I "fall off the wagon" so to speak and return to the bad habits of eating too much, lots of junk, staying up way too late, watching wayyyyy too much TV, and feeling like crap! And this goes on for a while.

Part two of the pattern: I decide that I need to regroup, so I tell my husband that I need to be by myself for a while. I need to get away. I need time and quiet. So I take the laptop and head to the library or to the coffee shop (for that one last mocha) or to the coffee shop and then the library. And I try to regroup. I try to recommit to "the plan." I try to get my brain in focus so that I can do the work, stick to a plan, and live the life I say I want to live. A lot of times I get distracted by the computer and blogs and commentary and junk. A lot of time I waste my time. But I do decide to start again--after that last coffee and that last night of overeating. Usually I spend a LONG time in this part of the pattern--waiting for that perfect time to start again, for when I am really, REALLY ready.

Part three of the pattern: And then I am on plan--I'm eating well, I'm moving my body, I'm writing it all down-- for a few days, maybe a week, definitely not a month and then it's BACK TO PART ONE!

I can not tell you how often I have repeated this same old pattern. I bet I have repeated this pattern at least 20 times over the course of the past few years. Seriously, I am doing it right now. Although I'm not at the coffee shop; I'm in my bedroom, trying to escape three children who never stop talking. And as I continue this post, I have also been to the coffee shop. (I wrote this post a few weeks ago before I started using MFP).

So this is one key for me: I need to avoid returning to this same old pattern! I need to throw this pattern in the garbage--no more! I need to find a new pattern for when life becomes too much, for when the endless questions of a six year old put me over the edge, for when I just need a little quiet, for when the chaos of my life with children seems to be a great reason to throw in the towel and lay on the couch and eat chocolate.

A new pattern is what I need! I'm on the hunt for a new pattern. I could lie to you right now and say--I know what I have to do! This is what I will do instead of patterns one, two, and three detailed above. I have figured out what to do by sorting through my thoughts right here and now.

But I do not know! That's part of my problem. That's why I am here. And honestly, I'm just trying to figure out how to manage my life without returning to food. I don't have the answers.

But I do know how to create a pattern: repeat, repeat, repeat!

I'm on the hunt for a new pattern. . . perhaps with time, action, lots of writing, and repetition, I will find it here!

Skin Cancer, Sun, and Weight Loss

2011-06-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, I went to a dermatologist that a friend recommend to have my body checked for moles. I have a number of large moles--especially on my back where I can't see. And even though I don't burn and tan easily, I was a lifeguard for a few years in college--so I know I have had excessive sun exposure.

So this dermatologist, whom I was preparing to like since a friend recommended, was really direct with me--almost scolding--and so I didn't like her :) -- but I've been thinking a lot about what she said. Here were her very direct recommendations:

--Do NOT go out into the sun between the hours of 11 AM and 4 PM.
--Burning is worse, but any tanning is bad--it changes the DNA of your skin and leads to skin cancer.
--Wear sunglasses and hats
--Sunscreen Number Matters -- SPF 50 or more
--Reapply sunscreen every 2 hours
--Even when it's not very hot out, you still need to wear sunscreen
--1 in 5 Americans will get skin cancer. Because I have had extreme exposure--I will most likely get skin cancer.
--If you have a mole, it doesn't mean the cancer is contained in that spot--it could be all over your body.
--Don't let your children be lifeguards.

Now I'm guessing that this doctor had her reasons for being very direct with me--and I'm guessing those reasons have something to do with wanting me to take this seriously. And I can buy in to ALMOST everything she said. But here's the kicker:

Staying inside between the hours of 11 am and 4 pm just won't work--and here's why: We live in Minnesota, a state that typically only gets three warm months a year (and perhaps a few more weeks if we are lucky). So when we get the sun, we are going to enjoy it! When we get a hot, sunny day, we are going to go to the beach, or the lake, or outside for some summer fun! We endure the cold, cold MN winters, so we deserve a little fun in the sun for a few months. My children are also inside SO much during the year--and this is summer--we want to enjoy every second of it before the school year creeps up on us once again.

So I can get on board with all of her recommendations--we will slather on the sunscreen and wear protective gear--but we WILL be outside--enjoying life! And that's OK with me!

SO here's what this all has to do with weight loss for me:

--I have to do what I can and accept the consequences of those choices.
--Doing nothing is not an option--and is really irresponsible.
--I need to take care of my body, I WANT to take care of my body--so managing my eating and activity is necessary--just like managing sun exposure is a necessary reality.
--I have to do what I can do--even though I will not be perfect! But that is life.
--I have to be realistic in what I can do and what works for me.
--And my expectations of what I can/can't do might change over time as I change and life happens.

So that's my sun and skin cancer connection. Makes sense to me. These days with weight loss heavily on my mind, everything relates back to it. (BTW, I had to have two moles removed, and will find out next if they pose any problem.) And I'm not sure if I will go back to this dermatologist--I prefer a gentler approach--but time will tell. I could change my mind. Life could change my mind.

Why Jen to Lose?

2011-06-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

When I decided to write on this lil old blog thing, I couldn't decide on a name. Originally, I wanted to call it "Jen's Simple Gifts," because I LOVE the words to that old Shaker tune. These words just speak to me--about so many aspects of my life:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come 'round right.

I just think our lives get so crazy, and we make them crazy. If I can just focus on the simple gifts that are my life--like a body that's still ticking, and three beautiful children, and a great husband who loves me because I'm me, and a little house that's small and cozy and works for our family, and home cooking, and activities that don't cost a lot--like playing games and park going, and swimming in lakes--THEN I can find peace. Sometimes easier said than done, but I think it is TRUTH--my truth.

I also think the words apply to losing weight. It doesn't have to be so complicated (I make it WAY complicated), and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It's about focusing on the simple basics--like moving my body, eating natural food, and taking care of this body and mind--which really is a gift.

But for some unintelligible, probably ridiculous, reason,I did not feel like "Jen's Simple Gifts" was where I should go--it just didn't seem right. So in the wee hours of the night, I came up with Jen to Lose. I actually don't even remember where this came from, but I decided to go with it.

The major thing I DON'T like about it is that it seems to focus on the scale--on losing the pounds--on weight, weight, weight. But we all know that it is really so much more than that, and I DON'T want to focus on just the scale.

But then I started thinking more about it, and I realized that Jen to Lose is so much more than about weight. It's about losing the "starting over" mentality. It's about losing bad habits. It's about GAINING a maintainable change in the way I live my life. In the past, I've had a tagline that says, "Losing the weight. . . gaining the world." I like this.

But right now my tag line is, "Learning It, Living It, Losing It:"

Learning It: learning different behaviors, learning new tools, learning what I need to do to live a healthier, happier life.

Living It: Doing the work! That means taking the things I am learning and doing them over and over and over again.

Losing It: So of course this means losing the pounds--losing the weight--and tracking that progress. But it also means losing the things that are NOT working for me. It means losing the processed food and going more natural. It means losing old patterns and learning new ones. It means LOSING the belief that I will be stuck here forever and embracing the FACT that this is my time to do the work and make a change.

So that's where I'm at --- Jen to Lose -- Losing It, Living It, Learning It. I'll give it a shot.

How do you come up with your blog title?

My Simple Plan

2011-06-12T22:00:00.001-05:00

If you have tried to lose some pounds as many times as I have, you also have a "weight lost" past to look back on. And sometimes, I like to look back there and remember some of the good things from that past. Like, I remember how great I felt when I walked EVERY day--rain or shine. And I remember how good it felt to be working toward a goal and actually making it happen. And I remember how great it felt to be living my life--being active, fit! And I remember I loved the feeling of knowing who I was and what was important to me!

I can also look at my current life and recognize a few behaviors that are just NOT working for me--some behaviors I need to let go in the efforts to learn some new ones.

So based on my past and present--and in an effort to keep things simple--I have a SHORT list of behaviors that I know can and will help me make a few changes in my life. I'm not planning on being perfect with these--or even obsessing about these. I just want to recognize the basics--for me--and see how being a little more intentional with these areas can help. These are the new patterns that I want to embrace:

1. Track what I eat -- that means write it down in order to ensure that I'm eating the healthy stuff while balancing the treats (One goal is to shed some pounds after all. I am using Weight Watchers to do this, and I will discuss this more in the future I am sure).

2. Move my body -- get the activity in--every day! Now I know that for me this involves some alone activity like going to the gym or taking a walk. But it also involves family things, like playing outside together, biking, or taking the long way to the park.

3. Get Enough Sleep -- This is huge one for me. I often stay up late, late, because I love the alone time in my house when the kids are finally asleep! The problem is that I stay up way too late watching TV, and then I'm way tired the next day--which makes it hard to follow through on the tracking my food and moving my body! So my plan is to use my evening time for something more quality (less TV and more something else). My plan is to get to bed by 10 or 10:30 PM. I truly believe that this will help me be successful in changing my life!

4. Check In with Myself -- When I have had success losing the pounds in the past, I have routinely kept a daily journal! Lately, this is something that I've had a hard time getting in, but I also know what it can help me make the changes I want. I've used a paper journal at my bedside and I've used this lil old blog. I'm going to try to use both more often--on a regular basis.

5. Check my Calendar Daily -- For me, trying to lose weight also involves trying to live a more directed life. As a SAHM, it can be easy to just let things fall where they may. I feel like I have gotten lazy. And though I maintain our family's calendar so we get to where we need to go, I want to DIRECT my calendar so that we are participating in the activities that are important to us.

So that's my simple plan. Now, for my complicated, detailed mind, there are tons more aspects to the process. But in all honesty and simplicity, these five things are IT! That's it! Now if only doing them consistently would be as simple. . .

How to Start Again?

2011-06-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's hard to begin to write again. Because it's the same old story: Try to lose weight; rededicate myself; go strong for a few weeks; busy family life interferes; and I give up. I go back to old habits of abusing food--of using food as entertainment, as a reward, as solace, as relaxation.

Since the last time I posted (in September 2010), I even made a few positive steps forward. I decided to join Weight Watchers--to receive available help and to work a program that I know could work for me. And we decided to cough up the big bucks and join our local community center --the gym!

But even when you pay for the services and the resources are available, you have to be willing to make the change. And you have to be willing to do the work. And you have to be willing to keep trying to figure it out. And you have to be willing to work it and do it and live it--even though the demands of family and children and life and husband seem to get in the way--seem to be THE excuse to throw in the towel.

And, since you're being honest with yourself--you just haven't been willing to do the work! You have been sitting in old self destructive habits -- such as lazing on the couch all of the time, such as watching way too much TV, such as eating the same old junk to numb what ever it is you are trying to numb, such as staying up way too late, such as using food as your reason to live--sounds like a really great life Jen, now doesn't it? You have been unwilling to even TRY to let go of all of your self destruction habits. Even right now, you are sitting in Caribou, drinking the fattest Mocha you could buy--even when you had other options.

It's a sad, hard place to be. Starting again. Have you been there?

How can I make this time different? How can I keep going? How can I get in that "right" mind set? You know the one-- the one where you know and feel and BELIEVE that you can do it! You are centered and focused and you act on what you want! And you move forward. And you are doing it! Living it! Changing your life! How do I get there? How do I do that? How do I make this time the last time? How do I do it, how do I do it, how do I do it? ? ? ? ?

And how do I do it when we have laundry up to the ceilings, no food in the house, and bathrooms that are so disgusting, I don't even know what to do? And how do I do it when I have to run kids to a million different places in just one night, and we don't get home until 8 pm? How do I do it when I have four other people whose needs I need to care for, and there is absolutely no time for myself? How, how, how?

Clearly, these are some of the challenges I am facing in my life. And clearly, I'm still looking for ways to manage my life and work towards the life of health and wellness that I'm striving for. I'm still trying to find the answer to the question. And you all out there in bloggy land can't answer these for me! These are the questions that I have to figure out for me, for this chapter in my life.

And I'm feeling optimistic at the moment--because I KNOW the answers to these questions are out there--or even inside of me--if I just keep trying to find them. So I'm going to keep trying. It's all I've got right now. But I'm going to keep trying. I have resources. I have the will.

And I'm going to use this blog to sort it all out for me, to keep me accountable, to bear the burdens that weigh on my heart as I continue to figure my life out--one moment, one decision at a time.

I do believe that facing and conquering this beast of an addiction called "losing weight" -- is THE greatest challenge of my life. And when I do it, it will be one--if not THE--greatest accomplishment of my life.

Otherwise it wouldn't be so important. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard at time. Otherwise it wouldn't take time. Otherwise I wouldn't have invested (wasted) so much energy, thought, and emotion in trying to figure it all out.

But I am going to keep trying. And I BELIEVE that this time -- IS my time! That I am moving forward! That starting is the first step. . . .

Finish What You Started

2010-09-28T05:00:00.002-05:00

In my world of trying to lose weight and weight-loss blogging, I feel there are tons of broken, unfilled promises to myself. There has been lots of starting. And starting over. And taking breaks. This is not good or bad. It just is. I've struggled to find my way. Again--just my past reality.

The thing is -- I have to keep trying. And the thing is -- I'm a pretty smart person. And the thing is -- I know I WILL figure this thing out for myself. And the thing is -- I will not give up. I will keep trying.

I have all of the information and facts needed to change the way I eat, move, live. But there is something that's making it hard for me to act on that knowledge. And I WILL figure out what that is. That's why I'm going to keep blogging, keep trying. I might need to look at the world--and myself--and my life--differently. I might need new resources. I might even need a friend or two. Because I'm going to keep going. I believe in myself.

Today, I'm trying to take a moment to breathe.

Today, I'm trying to take a moment to focus.

Today I'm trying to focus on small goals -- like Just Five Pounds -- and what I can do TODAY to live my life TODAY.

Today I'm going to BELIEVE that every thing that I have to do does not have to be a crisis. And that life with three kids is just --life. It doesn't have to be crazy.

By focusing on today, on small goals like 5 pounds, or the healthy snack I am eating right now (PB and apple--yum!), I will finish what I've started. I will stick to a promise that I made to me. I will be on my way!

It feels good to say all this. Makes me feel awesome that I have today!

And now to my laundry room -- another unfinished project--that will be completed today!

Do you have a hard time finishing projects that you've started? Any finishing strategies?

Just Five Pounds Goal: 218.5

2010-09-27T05:24:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 5:20 AM -- and I am awake in my kitchen. Quiet.

9/27/10 Weigh In: 223.5
Goal Weight Loss: 5 pounds
Final Weight: 218.5

I'm really trying to keep it simple. I'm really trying to focus on a small task. I know weight loss is about so much more than the scale. It's about my life -- and how I want to live it.

I'll weigh in next Monday and see what progress I have made.

Just Five Pounds

2010-09-26T22:25:00.000-05:00

Goals are important--yes!

But goals are overrated! Really they are!

Yes I have goals! I have things in my head that I want to accomplish. I have things I want to accomplish written down on a piece of paper. I have reasons why I want to lose the weight -- need to lose the weight. And I know what they are. Honestly -- all of my words, words, words makes things very complicated! Spelling out all of these goals to you right now just isn't worth it.

Now seeing me ACT on a simple goal--that would be an accomplishment!

So I'm trying to keep this simple. And here it is--a simple goal: to lose 5 pounds. And to reward myself when it's accomplished!

Tomorrow morning, I will share my weight. And I will do the work to lose 5 pounds.

It's just five pounds! Even with a busy life, I can do that! I might not be in the "gym rat scene" right now, but I can step up my activity. I might not be the "perfect" eater right now, but I can make some better choices in order to make a little progress.

5 pounds is a little step. 5 pounds is nothing. 5 pounds is keeping it simple. 5 pounds is doable.

Check out my journey to lose 5 BIG little pounds. It's a simple goal. It's my goal.

How would you change your life if you were just going to lose just 5 pounds?

Weight Loss Is Really about Time Management!

2010-09-26T22:11:00.000-05:00

Everybody has busy lives. I won't bore you with too many details of my life, but I will say--WE ARE SO BUSY! And it's kind of making us a little crazy (us being me and my husband). We're not really sure why, but life with three kids is a little out of control right now.

We used to mow our lawn regularly; now we are lucky if it gets done every two weeks, and it gets long. I've been trying to tackle cleaning my laundry room for I don't know how long; on Saturday, I was able to complete 1/4 of the cleaning, but then my 1 year old woke up and work time was over; and my best example: I picked out the "least dirty" pair of underwear out of my son's laundry for him to wear after his bath tonight--and yes I'm washing whites right now in my crazy, messed up, not clean laundry room.

I'm not sure why things are so crazy, but they are. I'm not trying to complain because I get that we all are busy--just trying to get a handle on things. And here's my realization --

If I'm going to accomplish some real weight loss, I'm going to need to keep trying to manage my time!

Planning is so important!

And here's my second realization --

If I'm going to accomplish anything, I need some QUIET time!

All by myself time. Just me time. Alone time. Without a one year old crawling under the table to reach me time. Non-referee time. Quiet time. Peaceful time. A non "she hit me" time.

And when do you think I could find some of this time?????????

If you are a parent, you've probably guessed it --- 5 AM!

Now I should really mention that I am not a morning person -- I'm not NOT a morning person. I think I have the potential to become a morning person. But it's going to take some work, some change, some getting to bed a little early.

Up to this point, I've been more of a late night person. The problem with that -- by the time I get the kids to bed, I'm beat, and the TV too quickly reels me in.

And what will I do at 5 AM??

--Drink a cup of coffee.
--Plan my grocery list and weekly menu.
--Write a blog post or two.
--Comment on a blog post or two.
--Actually take a shower before my kids wake up.
--A load of laundry.
--Read a magazine, a book???
--Do a little activity -- OK I'm not going here yet, but I'm not ruling it out.

Quite Time = Focused Time = Focused Mom = Happy Mom = Planning Complete = Weight loss

Makes sense to me!!!

How do you handle the business of your life? How do you make weight loss a priority?

Days 5 & 6: 9/15/10 & 9/16/10

2010-09-16T22:39:00.000-05:00

So I realized today that I didn't post yesterday, so I wanted to make sure I checked in today. I'm still going, writing down what I eat, following a plan. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I'm doing it. I could go into all of the things I could do more of or better (like eating more produce and drinking more water or getting more activity), but I won't hash all that right now. I'm not doing it perfectly, which is a good thing.

I made granola earlier in the week, and was craving some today. Had a bowl for a snack--delish. Wrote it down and was accountable. It's feeling OK. I'm pretty tired at the moment, and am not focusing at the moment. Need to hit the hay.

I've found it hard to get computer time these days with my one year old. He was pretty demanding of my time today--not feeling quite himself. But that's OK--am loving my time with him.

Until tomorrow. There's a chance I might get in a few "meatier" posts. Anythings possible:)

Day 4: 9/14/10

2010-09-14T18:56:00.000-05:00

I these aren't exciting posts, but I just want to check in. Things are going well. Now that the kids are back in school, I've been able to so some more cooking in my kitchen--love it! Feel like I've been away for a while. Besides our turkey dinner on Monday, I made granola--not for me but for my picky eater son who loves it! Also had an easy dinner of ham and beans (dried pinto beans, ham bone, and water in slow roaster all day)--works for me. Not sure how much fat from the ham seeped into the beans--didn't seem too bad.

Spent the afternoon with my boys at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum--a wonderful place to take a walk. They have a great kid's maze there, so my son was very willing to walk to the maze; the walk back was a bit more challenging, but we made it.

Hopefully soon, I'll have more interesting thoughts on interesting topics. But for today, checking in is a good thing. I have a babe crying at my heals, and I"m pretty tired too, and it's not even 7 pm, so I'm signing off for the night.

Thanks for reading!

Day 3: 9/13/10

2010-09-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Just checking in before I hit the hay. I'm hanging in there at Day 3--that's a pretty good accomplishment for me. Another fine day in our neck of the woods--mid 70's and sunny. What can go wrong on such a beautiful day as this. I've been thinking about posting more thoughts on some specific topics, but my time right now is limited. It's always limited, but that will come. Right now I'm just checking in.

Followed my plan; counted my points; and got in a little activity. Went for a walk with my two boys today--one in the stroller and one on training wheels. It was a little on the long side for my biker, so I shortened it up a bit, but it was still a nice 40-45 minute walk--I'll take it.

I've had a turkey in my freezer since last winter, and I finally got it in the oven. It made a nice dinner (which I admit I ate too much off, but not the worst thing I could do), and will make for great sandwiches and a few other meals this week. I'm thinking I'm going to cook up the stock and make some homemade turkey soup. Could be interesting.

So those are my day 3 ramblings. It's feeling good. Got to take those good days when you got them!

Hope you all are having a great week! Do you have any good, healthy turkey recipes?

Day 2: 9/12/10: Apple Picking & Bike Riding

2010-09-12T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'm checking in on day 2 of my 38 days. It was a very nice day--one of those days where we didn't have to run anywhere. I stayed on plan, wrote down what I ate, and got in a little activity.

My family and I hit the apple orchard today. It was a gorgeous day--in the mid 70's and sunny (after a depression, gloomy week before)--the perfect day to pick apples. Last year, we had an early frost, and we missed apple picking season, so I wanted to make sure we made it this year.

We go to a cute little orchard about 20 minutes away. It's perfect: a little store, tractor/wagon ride out to the apples, a few animals to look at, and a few hay bales for the kids to climb. It's simple, perfect, and not overdone. Now the fall colors haven't started to change yet (I can't wait), and there were only two varieties of apples to pick, so I"m pretty sure we will be headed back.

I love apple season, and there are so many great apple recipes--ones that are relatively healthy. Today, for a snack, we had our apple slices with light caramel--perfect. I also love baked apples and apple crisp. I also have a great recipe for healthy apple muffins. I think I will have to share a few of my recipes soon!:)

We also went on a family bike ride. Now that my little guy is over a year, he travels nicely in the Burley. If only my almost 6 year old (in the pict above) would learn to ride without training wheels. This little guy is having such a time adjusting to Kindergarten, and his anxiety is coming out in other ways -- like crying all the way home on our bike ride. Oh well--it's all part of growing up. I'm walking him to school tomorrow instead of the bus--trying to make him feel a little safer.

So that's my "newsy" day 2! It was good, and it feels great to be back on track!

Day 1: 9/11/10

2010-09-11T21:57:00.002-05:00

So I actually started. Today. This was the day. It wasn't a perfect day, but I'm going, and I feel pretty good about it. I need to talk more about perfection--and how it's my downfall, but I will have lots of time for that.

I decided this morning that I was going to act on my plan --today. And I was doing great until my husband said, "Where are you taking me for lunch?" Right then I knew I had a choice, and I didn't make a good one (or so I thought). We chose to go to Famous Dave's, and I had a big lunch.

Now I could have used that as an excuse to live in denial, in limbo for another day--I've done it before. But I didn't. Instead, I went for a walk. And while I was walking, I thought about what I ate at Famous Dave's--and do you know what? It really wasn't that bad. It certainly wasn't a reason to throw in the towel and eat with abandon.

So I ate a light supper, and skipped the bread and dessert. I wrote down what I ate, I had some good activity, and I'm writing on this thing. All in all, I'd call that a pretty good start.

So what am I doing:

I've spelled it all out on My Plan page. I actually wrote this out in July, and I feel like it is a good summation of what I want to do and the things I should do that can help me be successful.

I need to update my Goals and Rewards page, which I will do soon, and, knowing me, will probably have too many details. But right now I have three basic goals:

Goal 1: To follow my plan for 38 days -- in homage to home many years I've been alive. My plan is to post on Jen to Lose everyday for 38 days.

Goal 2: To return to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is right around 200 lbs (now I don't expect to do that in 38 days. We'll just see.)

Goal 3: To track and reduce inches on my stomach. Did I mention that I had a baby. A year ago. OK almost 14 months ago. My stomach grew during pregnancy, but in the last year, it hasn't shrunk. It needs to shrink. I'm going to start working on this and make some serious, solid, progress. I might set a more specific goal for my 38 days, but that will need to wait until tomorrow.

That's it. Where I'm at on Day 1. It's all good. Time for bed. See you tomorrow

To WW or Not to WW?

2010-09-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

With the start of the school year, I am trying to get a better schedule in place for myself. I want to manage my time, energy, and household better. In the six years I've been home with my kids, I've found myself getting too unstructured! Too lackadaisical! OK, I'll say it -- TOO LAZY! When your time is your own (and your kids don't get on the bus until 9 AM), it becomes too easy to sleep in, too easy to let the breakfast dishes sit until after lunch, and every day becomes a "what should we do" day -- and NOTHING gets done!

I'm still learning that I work and function best when I have STRUCTURE and ROUTINE in my life -- something that's simple, not too complicated, and allows me some flexibility. Easier said than done usually -- another thing I'll keep working on. Anyway. Here's my dilemma --

Should I or shouldn't I pay the money and attend weekly Weight Watcher meetings?

I have gone to WW meetings in the past, and have had some good success. I have also gone to WW meetings in the past, paid the money, and ate like crap, chose NOT to follow the program, and made zero progress. My point is that to lose weight and change my life, it is going to take a level of commitment on my part -- and I'm going to need that whether I attend meetings or not.

A strong part of me believes that I have the information I need to lose weight. I just need to put it into action. But the WW meetings would provide some great support, information, and fresh ideas.

I'm somewhat torn. Here' my Pros and Cons List:

Reasons to Attend WW Meetings

--Weekly weigh in's keep me accountable.
--Support
--Over the past months, I've had a hard time acting on my plans. Meetings could kick my butt into gear!
--Force me to take the time for myself every week, which is sometimes hard to commit to with my family's busy schedule.
--Paying the money might force me to act (for a while).

Reasons NOT to attend WW Meetings
--I can track my weekly weigh in's with this blog. Ultimately I have to be accountable to myself.
--I can receive support online -- through a weight loss community and communicating with other like bloggers.
--Life is really busy with my family activities. I don't want to take one of my few free mornings to go to a meeting. When I can use that time to do other important things.
--Money -- I don't want to pay it! I shouldn't have to pay someone else $$ for me to lose weight. I could save that money and use it to buy some new clothes every month I am committed to my plan.
--Blogging can be a great tool to help me express myself, to receive ideas on lots of different arenas -- I just need to commit to it as well.
--I already have lots of information on how to work the WW program. I just need to do the work!

I'm running out of time. My hour is up, and I have to return to my family (wonder what we are having for dinner?), so my thoughts are getting more random. But I wanted to close with my decision right now:

My Decision Right Now -- I'm NOT going to attend WW meetings right now. But I need to act on my plan right now -- let's get going Jen and get your action plan on the move. If I still find myself failing to act in one week's time -- that's Thursday, Sept 16, 2010, I will THEN go back to meetings.

What do you think? Have you done Weight Watchers before? Have you found the weekly meetings worth the money?

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this topic, but now have to run! Thanks for reading!

School Is in Session -- Now What?

2010-09-09T16:00:00.001-05:00

My kids went back to school this week! (Insert lots of cheering!!) Summer time is all about the kids and activities. I feel like now, my life can start again. I have been craving more routine and a schedule that gives me a little "me" time. I really need it!

My second child started Kindergarten this week, so we have had a few challenges this week with the uncertainty of this new experience--some tears, excitement, and some definite anxiety. He is now doing great with two days under his belt. And it's only half-day Kindergarten, so I am very fortunate to have him come home to me for lunch and an afternoon of mom - son activities. I'm going to cherish this year that I have with him and make the most of it. They grow up so fast!

It was with the birth of my now Kindergartner that I became a stay-at-home mom. I took a long term leave of absence from my job as a middle school library media specialist; we took a leap of faith because we didn't think we could afford it; and here I am SIX years later -- still home with a one year old at my feet as well. Life really is good, things are good. I'm certain that I will one day want to return to work, but those thoughts are for another time and place. Right now I'm glad to be where I'm at.

Six years ago, when I decided to stay home with my babies, one of the reasons I used to justify leaving my job was -- I would have more time and energy to focus on losing the weight and living healthy. And here I am --another baby later and still struggling with the same weight and food issues.

So with the start of the school year for the kids comes a fresh start for this Mom to really commit to making a lasting and ongoing change in the way I live my life.

Over the course of the last few months, I've really struggled with making a commitment to myself and my goals. I've struggled with actually doing the work to make the changes that I want. I've blogged on again and off again.

All I can say is that I'm here. I'm trying. I'm using this blog as a tool. And I'm going to keep trying. I really think I can tackle these challenges in my life -- and change the way I deal with them. I'm going to keep trying and keep trying and keep trying. I'm going to learn what works for me. I'm going to work towards goals and expectations that I set for myself -- and I'm moving forward.

And I'm going to keep trying. That's all I can do!

Thanks for reading, following my journey, and even leaving a comment here or there! I appreciate it!

The State Fair

2010-09-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

I'm still around. Just busy. I live in Minnesota, and my kids don't go back to school until after Labor Day. We've been going, going, going lately with end of the summer fun and back to school shopping. Not an excuse for not posting--just how life is. I will post more, because I need it, but for me, it has to wait until after school starts.

Today, we spent the day at the "Great MN Get Together"--the State Fair. Very interesting! In walking around, people watching, I found the experience to be a microcosm view of the obesity problem in our culture. As I watched all of the people, I remembered one of Bobbie's posts from Anonymous Fat Girl, and found myself playing a kind of "Duck, Duck, Goose "game (did you know in MN, we call it Duck, Duck Gray Duck? I digress). Obese, obese, obese, fit, obese, obese, obese, fit, ect, etc.

I saw people of all shapes and sizes, but the amount of obese people was very high, and the amount of obese people using little carts/wheel chairs to get around was high. I believe that if I attended the fair 10 or 15 or 20 years earlier, the people would look different. This kind of makes me sad, and is a poignant indicator that obesity is a real problem in our country--an EXTREME problem. And I don't want to be part of that problem.

And if you know anything about the MN fair, it's all about eating the food anyway. I'm not even going to talk about the food I ate--not pretty. Anyway. The reason people go to the fair is to eat! And that's a sad statement about our culture as well.

I don't really know what to make of this all, but I just couldn't NOT say something about it. Even if it's just to help me process.

I also read in the paper that the Biggest Loser had a casting at the fair earlier in the week. How appropriate.

All I can say is that when I go the State Fair next year, I want to do it differently!

Back from Vacation

2010-08-18T22:44:00.003-05:00

We just got back today from a six day vacation "up North" -- hence the reason I haven't written on here for a week. We had a great time--it was a much needed break from reality. We stayed at a cabin, fished, took some boat rides, and just relaxed. It was really, really nice.

At the same time, I fully admit I am such a home body! And after five nights away, I am SO glad to be back home. And now, I feel like I can tackle all of the challenges back at home--like getting my kids ready to go back to school, and all the other stuff that's at home!

I did come to two realizations on vacation. ONE -- Planning is so important! If I had planned our vacation meals better before leaving, I could have saved us lots of time, money, and calories. I need to take more time planning my menu and grocery shopping.

TWO -- OK, I admit it. I can't do this weight loss thing alone. I need some help! And although I just hate to do it, because I hate to part with the money, I'm going back to Weight Watchers. I don't know why I've fought going back--well, I hate to pay the money. I kind of figured that if I was to lose the weight for good, I needed to figure out how to do it on my own. But be honest with yourself Jen--that's just not working for you. (And at about $10 a week, it's not that costly. I'm sure I waste $10 on junk often!)

So Weight Watchers it is. And I have had good success using their program in the past--but then I would go and have another baby and unravel any success I had. But I'm pretty certain that my baby bearing days are over. So it's time to move forward and get the help I need.

Everything is a little more challenging since I am with my children ALL of the time (can you tell I am looking forward to school starting). So OK, I'm going to start WW the same week my kids go back to school--the week after Labor Day. I would start this week, but I really don't want to mess with having someone watch my kids. I know, sounds lame, but that's where I am right now.

But that doesn't mean I can't be conscientious right now. And that means I'm heading to bed to get a good nights sleep. Yes it's a rambling post, but I'm glad to be posting. I'm going to keep trying to make this blog thing work for me.

Posting and Comments

2010-08-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

Posting --
I haven't posted on this baby for quite some time. Because I have started and stopped and started and stopped so many times in the last six months--the story of my life, you know--I'm a bit hesitant about how I'm going to use this blog for my weight loss purposes. I feel like I have failed, but I haven't really. I have wasted my time, yes, but trying to move forward and act is a really great thing for me! I don't want to talk about the past, but I do want to learn from the struggles.

As I begin to work my program, I was tempted to give myself a grace period. I would get going in my plan for a few weeks and then start publishing my posts. But that doesn't really keep me accountable. And I need accountability -- to myself that I will post and track on this darn thing.

Comments --
I find that I love it when people leave a comment on one of my posts. But I have also find myself too influenced by the words or tone or innuendo of many well intentioned comments. When people comment with words of encouragement, I feel like I am being too whimpy and whining. And when people call me out on my inability to act or my long-winded-ness, I take it too personally. I was tempted to start posting again and turn the comments off, just for a while. But no--comments are a good thing. I want to connect with others out there who are sharing their own weight loss journey. I want it to be about connection and communication and sharing information

So as I continue with my journey here, I am trying to really focus on my vision and how I want to proceed. It's about me right now, selfishly about me and what I am doing. So please leave a comment if my words reach you. And if I don't respond or reply to a comment right now, know that it's because I'm trying to focus on my own vision, my own acceptance of who I am and what I'm doing.

What I Am Learning -- Planning Is Key!

2010-08-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

Whew! What a day I've had and it's only lunch time! So Sunday night when I was regrouping for the week, it sounded like a great idea to start blogging--to really put myself out there! And right away I'm taught that my imperfect life is not a reason to overeat and throw in the towel. A little blogging right now means a little accountability. So I'm still here.

So here's the short on what's happening and what I'm learning:

Life this last day and a half has been crazy--as usual. I've been preparing, loading, and delivering tons of stuff to a local consignment sale--my attempt to rid the baby gear while not having my own garage sale. A mom's night out last night proved too tempting (food wise) and a rain storm messed up my whole morning and delivery of my sale items. Top it all off, I finally get my kids home for lunch and we have hardly any food in the house. Bad news!

So my first reaction is to throw in the towel and say--life's crazy--let's eat! Not such a good reaction.

What I'm learning is that I have to PLAN, PLAN, PLAN! My food, my meals! I have to take this part of the plan seriously. If I knew what I was planning to eat for lunch, I wouldn't be tempted by certain foods in the fridge. If I have my salad greens clean and my vegetables cut, it would be easy to grab them and go.

The lesson to learn is -- make the planning a priority! It will help me get where I want to go and move me forward!

2010-08-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

So even though I haven't been posting or commenting, I've still been reading the blogs. And on many of the blogs I read, the writers are struggling with daily decisions. Their weight fluctuates. They aren't perfect. But they are continuing to keep trying, keep doing the work, continuing to make their life happen. It's truly inspiring.

So with all of my blog reading, and with all of the talk in the media about the "obesity epidemic," I am STRUCK by how truly challenging this losing weight thing really is.

Now I know that people like to read positive thoughts and energy -- I get that! But I am STRUCK by how challenging this losing weight thing really is. Even the people who have tackled their weight loss demons and are winning (all you great bloggers out there) -- they still struggle.

It's a battle. It's a struggle. It's a challenge. It's hard. You have to keep going. Keep fighting. Keep trying again. Keep regrouping. Keep picking up the pieces. Keep fighting the fight. I know I'm not supposed to say it, but it's the damn truth!

And it doesn't matter it you have 10 or 50 or 200 pounds to lose--or even if you are maintaining. We are all trying to do the job. Yes, some of you might have a good momentum going. And others are still working at it. But we are all trying to do the job.

I believe that we all have our own challenges to face. I don't have other problems, but I do have a problem with eating too much--and it's taken over my life for way to long. But I believe I've been given this challenge for a reason. I believe that I'm supposed to conquer it! I am supposed to figure this thing out! It's not supposed to be easy! Nothing important is ever easy! But I'm going to do it! And the plan is--sooner rather than later.

And as I tackle this beast of my problem, there are going to lots of questions and answers, highs, and lows, discovery and reflection. It's going to be damn hard--I just want to say it! But I can do it!

Losing the weight is my challenge, it's my battle. And I have my armor on--ready to fight!
--

Moving Forward

2010-08-09T06:00:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted on Jen to Lose for quite a while now. Instead, I've chosen to pour out my feelings in my journal. And that's been good for me. It's great to keep getting all of that "stuff" out of my head:)

As I continue to read weight loss blogs, watch the weight loss realty TV shows, and ponder my own challenges with food, I am struck by how truly, truly complex the issue of food and weight loss really are! Complex and challenging -- yes! But that doesn't mean they are impossible to conquer.

I know in the deepest part of my being that I have the tools and strength that I need to face my food and weight loss battle, conquer it, and change my life! I know it! I believe it! And I'm just going to keep trying--and keep trying--and keep trying until I make this happen for myself! And if I need to ask for help, I will! And if I need to join a gym to get the activity done, I will!

Yes I have struggled over the past few months, and I've written all about those challenges here. I've started and stopped and started and stopped. And it has been hard -- no lie! I wish I had made different choices. I wish I hadn't wasted time! But there is ONE MAJOR THING I've learned from these struggles--the thing I believe is KEY to my success with losing the weight and gaining the life I want:

I need to accept that imperfection is part of this deal!

When I struggle, or in my eyes fail, I need to pick up the pieces and

keep moving forward!

The next decision is the most important one!

I'm going to keep trying you all. I'm moving forward!

Weighing In and Goals, Goals, Goals

2010-05-11T11:02:00.002-05:00

Weekly Weigh In: 229.5 pounds (Mon 5/10/10)

When I started JentoLose back in February, I had the hardest time setting my goals. This time I have my goals set and I'm moving forward! I have my goals listed on my Progress Page, but I wanted to make some comments on these as well--comments are in red below. I'm also trying to start small and focus on manageable chunks, so I have some May Goals set as well:

May Goals

So here are my goals for the month of May (about 3 weeks left):

--To lose 2 pounds a week for a total weight loss of at least 5 pounds
--To make healthy "in plan" choices when going out to eat
--To walk outside every day-- it's doable
--To finish reading The Worry Cure (picked up at the library--want to find strategies for keeping my worries in check)

That's it for May. Of course I'm doing more stuff, but this is where my focus lies. I'm going to gave a May goal update each week. Probably boring details for some, but not for me!:)

Jen to Lose Goals (with comments in red)

1. Scale Goals -- I will use the scale as a tool to track my weight loss, but it is not the everything. (Have to start with the scale---it's unavoidable, at least right now)

I will do the work to reach a weight that is within a healthy range for my height. I will reach this ultimate weight goal by focusing on smaller goals (If I'm being honest, I have 150 in my head, but I'm trying be be flexible with myself and focus on what's most important--just moving and making healthy choices daily)
I will focus on losing 5 pounds at a time, rewarding myself at each success (giving special attention to reaching my pre-pregnancy weight and my lowest weight in the last five years) (I can do 5 pounds)
I will also track my measurements monthly

2. Food Goals

I will use Weight Watcher's point system to track and guide my calorie consumption and food choices. (This is what I know and feel most comfortable with. It gives me flexibility and some options, so I'm going with it.)
I will write down everything I eat in a daily food journal.
I will use the plan to increase my intake of whole, natural foods. (I'm throwing around the idea of going more organic, more grass fed beef and better chicken, but the cheapskate in me has to take baby steps in this area)
I will not binge! I commit to regrouping immediately after having a setback with my food choices. (I think THIS IS KEY to my success and growth as I continue this journey! What to do when I want to abandon my goals and eat everything in sight? And how do I regroup immediately and keep moving toward my goals! Again THIS IS KEY! I would love to say that I'm going to perfect with my eating choices--but that just ain't going to happen! So if I can figure out this area, I will be making awesome, awesome progress!)

3. Activity Goals

I make the commitment to DAILY activity and exercise. I will schedule a daily activity/walk at least five times a week. (I know I need to start small, but I need to commit to the activity. So that is what I am trying to do!)
I will schedule and plan more ways to be active with my children and family --at least three times a week.
In September 2010, I will begin to add jogging to my weekly activity, working up to a 5K race in May 2011 (About 10 years ago, jogging was a small part of my work out schedule. I would jog for about 20 minutes at a time. It was challenging, but I know I can do this again! I want to do this again!)

4. Finding Me Goals --Part of this journey is about identifying the reasons why I have used and abused food. To do this I will. . .

Write in a journal or Jen to Lose on a regular basis, checking in with myself about my success, challenges, and where I am going.
Identify new ways to better handle stress, worry, and hormones.
I will set smaller, monthly goals in order to manage my journey in smaller chunks.
If I am having challenges and struggles, I commit to use my journal and blog as a tool. I commit to keep going, to keep writing, to probing deeper. (Honestly, I feel a little lost right now--just keeping in honest. Probably has something to do with being a SAHM for five years now and having a new baby. I know I need to take on some new challenges. And right now, my weight loss goals are the priority!)

5. Other Goals

In October 2010, I will have a family portrait taken. (I always avoid pictures--hate them! But I am committing to having a family photo taken by the end of October 2010--5 months from now!)

Well, this doesn't say it all but it is a solid start. I would like to add something about my family, but I think that will come with time. Ultimately this is not only about the scale. This is not about perfection. It's about taking one step towards saying what I want and doing the work to make it happen.

You have your goals Jen. You have your starting point. You have a vision. It is strong. It is doable. It is a plan you can act on.

Mother's Day 2010 -- My Time to Act

2010-05-09T23:28:00.000-05:00

So, it's May 9th, 2010, and I'm still here. In the same spot. Just older.
But the good news is I'm still here.
There comes a time when you do just need to act. There comes a time when I just need to act.
Since the last time I posted, life has continued. I've still been reading the blogs, leaving a comment here and there. And I've still thought about making the effort to lose the weight.
And I'm still here.

We all have problems, and I know I have my share. And if I were to name a main one it would be -- time management. And focusing and acting on what I want. And if I decide to change and wake up tomorrow and make a change, my life will still be hard. It won't be that bit of perfection that I long for--that I think I need. I still will not be focused.

For some reason I have bought into the idea that I need to find my focus and then I will have the will and the drive and the know-how to act. But this is pure bologna. I will never be focused enough. I will never have my life in this perfect little box that I think it needs to be in before I can act. This is your reality Jen. And that's OK. That's where you are.

I don't need perfection. I need action. I need to act in my life. And that's what I am going to do starting today. This very moment. This very second. I want to participate in my life.

I get so overwhelmed -- so easily. And I do it to myself in so many ways. My mind gets weighed down with the world of everything I need to do or haven't done. I become so overwhelmed, I get nothing done. I even do it with books. I bet I have over 50 books checked out from the library--and I read NONE of them. I have built up menu planning and grocery shopping to be so hard and complicated that I put it off and procrastinate. I do this to myself.

I think I need to break things into smaller chunks. Everyone says, start small. Easier said than done. But I'm trying it. Sometimes easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.

Now I could look at myself as pretty pathetic right now -- as one of those bloggers who started blogging to lose and then just dropped off the face of the planet. But that's just not my story. Because I'm still here. And I know that I'm OK right where I am, right this moment. My life isn't perfect; my journey isn't perfect. But I'm on the journey.

You see, I feel like I have lost myself in these past few months and years. Don't know how that happens, but it does. It's where I'm at. Perhaps it starts with having a new baby--which totally changes you life in so many ways. And perhaps I would be more focused with everything if I could just get a solid chunk of sleep with out being awaken three times a night. But that's just not my life right now. I have three babes--all with needs--and it is my job to take care of them and nurture them. But Jen, you know that you will best be able to take care of them if your own needs are met. If you put yourself first a little bit.

I've lost myself a little. I'm 37 years old, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm a feeling a little lost. a little scared. a little sad that I'm at this point right now. But this is where I am.

This good thing is -- I have the power to change my life, to take a new path, to go on this journey to find -- ME! How exciting is that! And I know I can make the change, make the connection, and find the real me.''

The difference this time is that I am acting on my desires. I'm making the connection between what I want and the way I live my life. I'm moving my body. I'm setting my goals and I'm acting on those goals! It's all about me and my life and my priorities!

This Mother's Day 2010, I walked with my family on the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure, and it felt good. But it wasn't easy because I haven't been walking regularly. But it gives me hope because I know I can do that. I can walk. And I have memories of times when I was walking a lot -- where walking was a priority. I have memories of feeling strong and motivated and encouraged.

My goal is that next year -- I will run the 5K at the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure! I'm gonna do this!

So I'm a little lost, a little out of focus, a little messed up. My life is not perfect. I have a few things to work on. But I can begin. . . or continue. Because I want to do this. I want to come a little closer to knowing who I am.

No perfection here. Just Jen. I love who I am. I love this body that has gotten me to today. And I'm going to keep on.
Mainly for me. But for me kids too. And my husband. But mainly for me.
I'm still here. Kind of smiling. Kind of crying. It's all good.
Going places I've yet to discover.

Daily post and to bed I go

2010-04-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

So it's Tuesday, and it's after 10:30 pm, and I'm finally writing. According to my five things this month, I should be in bed right now, but I can't win them all. I'm still trying though. I think five things might be too much--three things might be better. Oh well, I'll keep going for April.

My kids are on spring break this week, so I may have a hard time finding a lot of time to post this week. We went to a movie this afternoon and then to Ikea for dinner and shopping this evening. We have a busy week planned, so I have a feeling my posts will be pretty short this week. I know I need to hit those goals specific, and I plan on getting this going. I'll be getting there soon. I'll be getting there soon. Good night.

Home from Grandma's and My Five Things Update

2010-04-05T16:02:00.001-05:00

So, with "My Five Things," I committed to posting every day. Now it's a few days later, and we just got home this afternoon from Grandma's house after a busy Easter weekend, and I realized that I didn't post Saturday or Sunday! Not a great start, but I'm committed for the month of April, so I'm going to keep trying.

I will say, it's amazing how much I can get done when I'm not watching TV--tons. And I was running short on time earlier this afternoon, and I admit I thought about grabbing some quick fast food for me and the kids. But then I remember "my five things" and I decided we could wait until we got home to eat. And we did!

My eating hasn't been great, but I won't go into that right now. I will say that I am ready to set some very specific goals for the rest of April and for my all in all general "lose the weight" plan. So I'm excited and encouraged to get started. I'm hopeful that I will be getting all of that stuff together this evening to post very soon, so stay tuned.

Here's to the start of a great Spring week! Hope it's good for you!

Rambling Goals -- April 2010

2010-04-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

So I have had the hardest time spitting out my goals. I've just been avoiding actually making sense of this weight loss BS and what I really, really want. And I've had it. I'm going to get them out of my head, down on paper right now! They might be messy, they might not be pretty. It might be all long and drawn out -- but at least I'm getting them out there so I can move forward (act, move, learn).

So this is my "rambling goals" post. I need to write this to focus my thoughts. Then I'm going to follow up with my "specific goals" post that finally gives me some clarity.
Here goes:

So Jen -- What Do You Really Want?
I want to lose weight. I want to lose the fat off my body. There. I said it. It's pretty basic. I've said it before, and I'm saying it now--that's what I want!

I want to live differently. Live better. Treat my body better--with the respect it deserves. I want to feed my family better and live with my family better. I want to be THE model for my children. I don't want them to inherit my bad choices and unhealthy way of living. I want to teach them that there is SO much more to celebrating life than just food!

I want to be active -- on my own and with my family. I want to move. I want to really live instead of watching another day, month, year go by without making this change. I want to radically change my life, starting small and building up. I want to walk, run, jump, swim, race, move, live, love, be, jog. I want to work hard. I want to sweat. I want to change. I want to change now.

I love my body and I want to treat it better. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want my body to reflect all that is good about who I am and who I know I can be. I want to grow old in my body. I want to care for it.

I want to act. I want to be healthy. I want to make the right decisions. I want to respect who I am -- my body, my mind, my spirit.

I want to live my best life -- the life I am destined to live.

I want to make minute by minute, and hourly and daily choices based on what I really, really want. And this is it!

I want to choose me! I choose me! I don't want the food! I don't want the inactivity. I want the real me. I choose the real me.

And this is what I want even more:

I want to choose me for more than just a few weeks, or even a few months. I want to make these changes -- FOREVER. When life gets stressful, and choosing me is hard, I want to keep going! If I have rough patch, and I choose food and inactivity for a moment, I want it to be just a moment and not a reason to crash and burn. I want to keep going toward my goals of living my best, best life! I want to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. This is key!

I want to make this work. I want to make this my life. I can do this. It's about doing the work, moving my body, and moving forward. One step at a time. One decision at a time. One moment at a time.

Act on what I want the most. Act, Move, Learn.

Now spell out the specifics Jen. . . stay tuned for the specifics. They are a coming.

April is All About My Five Things

2010-04-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

Whew! Five things to change my life and jump start a change in the way I am living? Five things is a lot of things. But I can do anything for a month, right? I am committing to doing these things for the month of April. Here's what I've come up with so far:

#1 No watching TV unless I am moving my body. This is going to be a huge change for me! But I want to give it a try for the month of April.

#2 Go to bed and wake at the same time every morning. This is also going to be a big change for me. I love to stay up late and sleep until I have to get up. This is going to take some diligence on me part, but I know, know, know, it will help me order my day better.

#3 Just say NO to fast food. So we had Subway for supper tonight--I never have Subway--and I don't consider this a bad option--especially when it's 6 pm and I'm coming home from the store and don't quite have the time to make dinner--it's OK. I'm talking about saying no to the burgers and fries and fried chicken sandwiches, and soda. This will not be as hard as #1 and #2 for me.

Like I said--whew! These are going to be challenging this April, but I can do anything for a month, and I'm excited to see how changing five things will change my life. Since I consider #1-3 pretty heavy duty, I need to make 4 and 5 a little lighter, and pretty manageable. Here's what I've come up with.

#4 Check in on Jentolose every day. I know that I am more in tune with myself if I am writing down my thoughts and feelings, and this is a great place for me to do that. I think I can manage this one pretty easily--even if it's just a quick post to check in. Every day though Jen--that's going to take your commitment!

#5 Drink water deliberately. Now I love water, so I don't really have a problem drinking it. I'm not a soda or diet soda drinker, so no problems there. The problem is that when I'm eating crap food, I drink less water. Since I don't really want to count points and calories this month, I'm going to commit to drinking my water--6-8 glasses each and every day. I'm thinking that even though I'm not religiously watching the calories, that by drinking the water, I will be able to tune in to what my body really needs--not the junk but "strong food" as we call it in our house--the food to make me strong.

So there I have My Five Things to focus my month of April. I'm excited and energized to have a few things to lead me on, to strive for -- things that will challenge some of the behaviors I would like to change. I'm wondering if I might actually find the time to read a book--haven't done that in FOREVER. I wonder what else I might do this month? Or learn this month? I'll keep you posted.

Being OK

2010-04-01T21:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, you just have to be OK with where you are.

I am the mother of an eight month old. My time is not my own, and I have a hard time getting things done right now. I still don't have my laundry room picked up, or laundry done, or dinner quite planned or the bathrooms cleaned. I can't work at something more than 30 minutes at a time before someone needs me. I have a to-do list of a gazillion things, and I feel like I never get any of them done. And that's OK.

I had a Subway sandwich for dinner tonight (I don't count that as fast food--not the bad fast food) with cheese and mayo, BUT I didn't eat any Easter candy, and I didn't buy any chocolate at Target today. That's pretty OK.

My feet are tingly because they are not used to walking, or maybe I'm not used to my new tennis shoes. But I kept moving during Grey's Anatomy tonight. That's more than OK.

I'm getting more sleep and watching less TV. And moving more and feeling better.

I am filling my children's Easter baskets with only one chocolate bunny, sweet-tarts, jelly beans, sugar free gum, and Peeps (I hate peeps). No little chocolates that I will sneak and eat and devour. I've also added a slinky and a card game. I admit I'm feeling a little guilty--feeling like I should add something like a little toy or something, and I'm worried that they will notice that there isn't more. But they won't be eating tons of junk they don't need, and I won't be eating tons of junk I don't need. It's all going to be OK.

Today was not an all or nothing day. I did some things and I didn't do other things. I'm moving forward. I'm in the game--my game.

It's all OK.

Better than OK really.

My Five Things #3 and Random Thoughts

2010-03-31T22:16:00.002-05:00

I can't believe April 2010 will be here tomorrow. We had a gorgeous 70 degree day here--unseasonably warm--and wonderful! I took my first walk in a long time -- and it felt SOOOOO great!

I've got to head to bed in a few minutes, but I wanted to share the next of my five things:

#3 No Fast Food! No matter what!

Fast food has been sneaking its way into my life lately -- including some very poor choices. Mostly it has to do with poor planning on my part. Need to get that grocery shopping done and the menu planned. But I'm going to stay away from the Fast Stuff, the Bad Stuff. I think THAT will be a good thing! I can do anything for just one month, right?

Oh, and thanks Harry for pointing out that I need to update my stats on my progress page! Right on! It's time to be accountable and to keep moving forward!

AND, I have a plan for keeping the candy to a minimum in my kid's Easter baskets. That makes me feel pretty great too.

Who knew one long, beautiful walk and a plan could help get me going? . . . I'm guessing you all did!

Hope your week is going great!

My Five Things #2

2010-03-30T21:50:00.001-05:00

For the month of April, I've decided to identify five things that I will commit to that will help me make a change right now! My Five Things #1 is to limit TV to activity time only. In all honesty, I wasn't completely there today, but I did watch a lot less today. And it's not April just yet, so I guess I'm working my way into the less TV. But I'm going to try it! And here's #2:

#2 Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day -- bed by 10:30 pm and awake by 7 am each morning.

I have never been a creature of routine. I have been a SAHM for five years now, and I am even less routined than I have ever been. My husband's schedule follows a pattern, but it too is never the same, so this adds to the difficulty in creating lasting routines. But I have decided I need a better routine. It will help give me direction in my life and ultimately the decisions I make to live better.

If I go to bed by 10:30 pm each night, I will not waste my time in front of the TV. I will get the sleep I need to greet the new day. I will not allow myself to stay up until all hours on the computer. I will nurture my mind and body with a routine, with sleep, with rest. Then I will have energy to accomplish my goals.

If I wake up at 7 am each morning, I can shower and prepare my day before my kids are up. I will be able to accomplish so much with my day. Get a load of laundry done. Actually decide how I am going to use the day.

My Five Things #2 is all about routine and direction. This routine will give me the direction I need to act, to move, to live my life.

April is all about My Five Things. I'm excited. Here's to a chance to continue the good fight. It's all good.

Letter to My Mind

2010-03-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

Hello in there! I've been meaning to have a word with you. Knock knock in there--are you listening? So, here's the thing:

I know that you are used to me doing certain things--eating lots of junk, crashing in front of the TV, staying up late, and not getting enough sleep. And I know you are used to living in this body that hasn't moved a lot lately. You're used to all of that. And you probably want all of that to continue.

But here's the deal: some things need to change. I am making some changes. I've decided on some goals, and I'm going to make some changes based on those goals. I'm going to do some work--work towards those goals. Really, I am.    Seriously I am. And I need your help!

Now don't just brush my words aside. I know that you have heard the whispers of my passing thoughts and feelings that have tried to help me make better, healthier choices. And I know that you SQUASH these new ideas with the STRENGTH of my old, usual routine behaviors. That old stuff is very strong right now because my body and choices have nurtured all of those routines. But this is changing -- and I'm just letting you know.

If there's one thing I have realized over the past few months, it's this --
I do NOT have control over you my dear mind!
You work in mysterious ways, and I can't quite figure you out. I can't quite make you do what I really, really want you do. And I don't quite understand how you work. And I'm coming to terms with that.

So dear mind, I know that you are going to want to work against these changes. I know that you are not going to give them a chance right away. I know that you are going to work against me. You are not on board right now. I get it.

And knowing all of that, I'm still going to make these changes. I'm going to try to live differently.    I'm moving ahead.

So when I am making some healthy choices tomorrow, I know you are going to be thinking about finding some chocolate. Luckily there is none in the house right now. When I get ready to go for a walk, I know you are going to try and talk me out of it. And I am ready for you. I'm going anyway. You see, I have decided. I am acting on what I want most--no matter what you try to tell me.

I have trained you well. I know you are so content to live within my lazy, lazy zone. But, dear mind, I'm going to drag you along. I'm going to fight you on this one. I'm going to fight! And I have a feeling that you are going to change to.

As I slowly start to make different choices, you will be able to make the connection too. You'll be able to change. When I choose oatmeal instead of garbage, you will realize, "Oh, she made this choice last week. I've seen this before." And when I choose to go for a walk, you can be like, "I guess we really are walking today. Would wonders never cease." And when I go to bed instead of watching TV until all hours of the night, you'll be saying, "OK, this is new, but I can deal with it."

And when I wake up and do it all again the next day, you will start to see that this was just like the day before. And just like the day before. And pretty soon, you might even decide that the choices and changes I am making are all right. That they feel good. That they make sense.

And you might jump on board. You might start helping me. You will start to know that I mean business. You will start to know that we don't have to battle--we can work together.

Just think how great life could be, dear mind, if you and I could get on the same page.

Let's give it a try. I think both of us might surprise each other.

Your dear, dear friend,
Jen to Lose

My Five Things #1

2010-03-30T00:26:00.002-05:00

So I have to go to bed, but I just want to get this started. Since I saw the recent episode of Ruby, I'm inspired to change my life by starting with just five things. I'm inspired to identify five things that I can do or change that can help me live a better, different life -- today, right now.

I've decided that I'm going to use April to focus on changing these five things. And then once May hits, I'll change it up and perhaps identify five different things. But let's take it one step at a time. I can do anything for a month, right? So here it is. . . the first of my five things:

#1 Limit watching television to ONLY while I am moving!

Now I'm not going to do this forever, but I think this is a good place to start right now! I'm the first to admit that I have a real problem with watching TV--watching too much that is. I would love NOT to have our satellite and just have basic channels (have I mentioned I'm a frugalista--my fancy way of saying cheapskate). But this is an argument I just can't win with my husband.

I waste way too much time watching TV -- when I could be doing other things--more productive things. My routine has been to finally get the kids off to bed and then to crash on the couch with some food for at least two to three hours. I stay up too late, get too little sleep -- all because I veg in front of the TV.
I have a pile of books from the library I would LOVE to read, but I don't even touch them! I could actually talk to my husband or take a bath or write in a journal or on this thing. Or I could scrapbook or read a magazine or garden or tackle a project. Just think of the time I could have on my hands!

So here's my plan! I'm NOT going to watch TV sitting on the couch. But I will LET myself watch TV if I am doing it while moving my body, while exercising. I have a step that I can use. And if I want to watch, I'll have to step -- up and down, up and down. If I want to watch, I'll have to move (also part of my new Act, Move, Learn philosophy).

I'm going to give this a try for the month of April, and then I'll let you know what I learned. It's great to be starting just five things!

Now, off to bed.

What I've Been Thinking About

2010-03-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

So I haven't posted for a while, but I'm still here. Still living my life. Still in the game--or one game that is--the rat race. We all have days or weeks that get the best of us. And I've recently had a few. It's really nothing new--just ordinary stuff that makes life busy. . . which can lead to out of control.

And this is what I am realizing! A major factor in long-term health and wellness for me will be how well I preserver during the stressful, crazy, out of control weeks. How I handle these will determine my success or continued stagnation.

Ultimately, success takes action. It takes planning. It takes perseverance. It needs momentum.

So in my state of "non-posting" I'm still reading the blogs out there. Still catching a weight loss or health or "obesity crisis" story somewhere. Here are a few things that have caught my eye recently:

Ruby
We have a free preview month of the channel Ruby is on, so I get to enjoy her show for a little while--and I love it! Her story is so interesting, and so real to life! I love her positive attitude, and I love that she's taking one step at a time. On her recent episode, her therapist recommends changing five things in her life in order to "change up" her weight loss situation and perhaps break through a plateau period. I am thinking that changing up five things in my life would be a great place to start! What are my five things?

Question What Am I Most Sure About
On Harry's Blog, he mentioned this guy. He says you don't really need to know more stuff about losing weight. You need to be asking the right questions -- about yourself. And you need to re-examine all of the beliefs you have about how to lose weight. And this is what really hit me:

I need to look at all of these things and how they do or don't work for me. I need to look at what I am doing and try to figure out WHY it hasn't worked! Or there are certain things I THINK are going to work for me, I need to figure out why they ARE or AREN'T working! Or in other words -- I think I need to do THIS to lose weight/get healthy. It hasn't worked! It's not working! WHAT can I do differently! That's what I got out of it!

What CAN I do
So I've started this blogging thing a few months ago. And I'm still thinking and struggling to get a groove on. I've decided that I need to just do what I CAN do. There are things I can do. . . to do a little better, to make small changes. Like, I CAN-
-Throw out the Easter candy that no one in my family needs to eat right now (in a different time and place, I could eat it in moderation, but that just ain't happening right now).
-LIMIT the candy I buy for my children this Easter. I think I'm going to write to the Easter bunny and ask him to bring some "outdoor fun" kinds of things. . . like a jump rope, and bases to play kick ball, and a softball glove, etc, etc.
-I can plan a menu that helps us avoid pizza and take out.
-Even though I haven't been exercising, the weather is going to get AWESOME this week! I can go for a walk--all by myself! What a treat that could be.
-I can come up with my own "five things" (a la Ruby)
Look at that. . . there's a lot I CAN do!

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution
So I didn't see his show, but I have read a lot of commentary about it, and I did see him on Oprah. I liked his words that -- enough is enough! It's time to take care of this problem. I mean come on--You can't turn the TV on or the news on without hearing a story about the obesity epidemic. I want to do right by my children! I want to be a better model for them! And I can do better by them! I justify hitting the drive through or having pizza or no vegetables when life gets busy -- because my kids are skinny right now! But they are young. Do I want them to inherit my bad habits! Hell no! I can do something about this. I can!

Anonymous Fat Girl
I just read one of Bobbie's latest posts, where she describes what it is like to be five months into living differently. And I am so inspired by her story! She's actually doing it! And it's not just about losing the weight! She's about living a great life! I see her working her ass off! I feel her positive energy! I want to be my own version of her!

It's all good. I need to post more. It makes me feel good--gives me some direction. So enough thinking. Or keep thinking Jen, but add me some of that . . .

Act, Move, Learn

Act, Move, Learn

2010-03-29T23:22:00.000-05:00

I'm still here. I'm still thinking. Most of the time, I think too much. It get's me in trouble.

I do need to think. But mainly I need to act. As I've been thinking, I keep returning to the following words:

Act ; Move; Learn

This sums it up for me. I need to talk less. Think less. And act. Just act.

Start. Continue. Act. Just do it (you know you want to).

Act -- take an active roll in your life! Decide what you want and act on it! Act!

Move -- move your body Jen! Move forward! Move!

Learn -- by acting and moving, you'll start to figure it out. You'll learn about it. About the process. You'll learn about you. You'll continue to think. You'll be making progress. You'll be moving forward with direction. Not only will you learn, but you will LIVE, and ultimately LOSE. Then ultimately WIN!

Act. Move. Learn

I'm Not Starting -- I'm Living

2010-03-17T23:34:00.000-05:00

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ~ Alfred D. Souza

So? What do you think Jen about that last post--I Will Never Be Ready?

I'm finally re-reading my last post at close to 11 pm tonight, and I'm not sure what to say. I've thought a lot about it.

My words are true. I am not ready to start losing weight. I am not ready to start. I will never be ready to start.

Life is messy and crazy and exhausting and impossible and hard and busy. I will never get all of my stuff done. It's like doing laundry--once you get it all done, you just keep making dirty clothes, and you just have to do it again. The business of my life is never going to be put together in this little box of perfection and order that I want--that my mind wants.

And my mind has to get over it. My mind has to adjust. My mind has to embrace that my life will always have bumps and roadblocks and messy crap! My life is messy, but it's not impossible.

I love the above quote above! It's telling me there is no waiting, no planning, no getting ready. Everything just -- IS. All of this stuff that I'm trying to do to prepare myself to make the right choices and get into the right state of mind--I'm actually already there. This is my life! This is it Jen. There's no waiting or getting ready or moving forward about it.

This is my life. And if I continue in the "I'm getting ready" mode, I'm going to one day realize that --"Oh! That was my life back there, and it's passed me by." Wasting time! (Hey--shout out to-- Waisting Time--what a so appropriate title!)

So what does this all mean Jen? Now that you know that you are in it? You can continue to delay in the excuse of "getting ready." Or what?

You can act. choose. decide. live. Live. LIVE. Live. Live.

What does that mean Jen? How are you going to act? Choose? Decide? Live? All of these obstacles--this deciding--it's your life! Don't you want to move forward. To act on what you say you want. To set a goal and work toward it. To say with the deepest core of your being -- that this is what you want life to be-- and then make the choices that support that life.

What are you doing Jen? What are you waiting for?

So here's the deal. I'm going to admit this to y'all right now. This is how my mind works in this deal:

Finally went grocery shopping today. Bought tons of great, healthy food. Also bought a half gallon of ice cream -- one last treat, you know--cost me $2.50 (I hate to throw out money. Wasting money. Wasting time. Wasting life). Here are some scenerios:

A. I could go upstairs and throw the ice cream in the trash right now. You can't pull melted ice cream out of the trash in the morning.

B. I could wake up tomorrow morning and say -- Nope. Too bad. Just not ready to start. I've got ice cream in the fridge. Once it's gone, oh yeah, then I'll be ready to --REALLY start.

C. I could wake up tomorrow morning and decide -- I'm living my life right this moment. I'm not starting. I'm not ready. I am in my life. I am choosing. acting. living. And I am making the change. I am strong. I am deciding. The ice cream goes in the garbage and I live to my goals.

I live to my goals.

I'm routing for C. I just went back and reread Diane's post that started this all for me, along with many comments. One talked about the power of visualization. As I hit the hay tonight, I'm going to visualize myself doing C. C. C. I'm excited. I'm going to bed.

I Will Never Be Ready!

2010-03-17T14:57:00.001-05:00

I have 20 minutes before I pick up my preschool boy. Just read two great posts, one by Jack Sh*t on the why's of trying to lose weight and Diane's post from Fit to the Finish on the excuse "I'm not ready." These posts speak to my heart, and here's why. They got me thinking about--me!

I'm in "I'm not ready" mode. I have TONS of not ready's:

I need to make a grocery list and get to the grocery store because we have no bread and no fruit and no baby food and basically no food Maybe after I get that done I will be ready.

I need to get through Easter and my daughter's upcoming school carnival.

I need to get my house in order.

I need to get my closet cleaned out.

The weather needs to get nicer so I can start walking outside.

I have one stick of butter in my house, and I won't be ready until it's gone.

My husband threw his back out. Once he's healthy, I can really focus on me.

Once I know what plan I am following, then I will be ready.

When we have more money and my grocery budget doesn't need to be so tight--then I'll be ready.

Maybe when I have more time.

When I'm on a better routine.

If I could just get up and get organized before my kids wake up, if I can do that, then I'll be ready.

It's birthday week at our house--too much cake at our house. Once it's over I'll be ready.

Maybe when there is no ice cream in the house.

Did I mention I have a girl scout? When the girl scout cookies are gone, then I'll be ready.

When I can get on a better sleep schedule and actually go to bed at night--then I'll be ready!

When I get organized, then I'll be ready.

When I get through this crazy week, then I can think about being ready.

I'm not ready to get off the couch.

I'm not ready to stop watching TV.

I'm not ready to deal with the garbage of WHY I am overweight and struggling to make the change.

I am not ready to be organized--don't know if I even have it in me.

I have a hard time with change. I'm not ready to change.

I've got to take it slow, right--that will make sure I'm ready, right? How do you really take it slow?

Maybe after I take a shower I'll be ready.

Maybe after I get the kitchen cleaned up, I'll be ready.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready.

I think I'll be ready on Monday.

You're right Jen! You'll never be ready. Life will never be organized into the perfect little box that I think it should be. That's life. It's crazy and messy and kids cry and I don't take a shower and I'm not organizing and I'm late for picking up my kids and the baby's crying and my husband is telling me I need to go and I never have my coupons ready to actually get to the grocery store and it's crazy and hard and impossible and impossible and impossible and . . . . that's what life is. That's your life.

So Jen -- what does this all mean? What are you going to do about it?

(I'll figure that out in another post. I'm out the door to preschool)

My Need to Write

2010-03-15T23:30:00.000-05:00

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to use Jen to Lose as my place to write about my journey.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do and how I need to proceed to continue the journey of working toward my weight loss goals.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff, but I haven't been acting on that stuff. But that's OK. That's where I am at in this moment.

I've wanted to be really upbeat and positive and encouraging, saying things like, "You can do this Jen! I know you can! Keep trying! You're making the change." And I want to say those things, because sometimes they will help me. I will say those things. But not right now.

Right now, I want to contemplate. I want to think about how I can do this differently. About what I need to do differently. I've decided that I need to keep going. I need to make slow but steady steps. I need to process my thoughts. I need to write. I need to do the work.

About six weeks ago, I started using this blog, I got on plan, and I was going strong. But I let a stressful week of craziness derail my efforts after three weeks. I made the choice to not do the work. I stopped writing. I was probably guilty and ashamed that I was giving up, failing, etc, etc. And so I stopped writing.

But I need to write. I need to figure things out. I need to get my thoughts and feelings out! Because they clutter up my head! I have all this clutter in my house and my head! And I want to get rid of it all! I'm calling it spring cleaning! Spring clean my head! Anyway.

So I'm going to write. I'm going to ramble on and on and on. I'm going to process. It is what I need. It is a small step. This week I am writing. This week I am thinking. This week I am spring cleaning my head.

Some might consider this procrastination, and it might be just a little. But I really feel like I need to do this write now! I do feel that sometimes move my mouth too much (eating and talking) and don't actually move and act. But I honestly feel like this is where I am at right now.

And though I would love to be like you strong bloggers out there--hitting the gym hard--I'm not there right now! You keep going because your actions inspire me! I'm just accepting that I'm not there, at least not this week. I am here. And it's OK.

Now sometimes when I get into my "pour out my soul" mode, I express a lot of my insecurities. And that's OK--that's where I'm at. I need to get it out. I might sound a little whiny. I might sound down on myself. I'm just getting all of the crap off of my chest so I can move from self pity mode to the fighting, "you can do this" mode! I'm not asking for sympathy. I just I'm expressing where I am at.

Now I don't really think there is anyone out there still reading this post that is going on forever, but just in case, I want to say this:

There are some amazing people out there who have already started to support me in my weight loss journey! You've commented and encouraged--and I SOOO, SOOO appreciate it! I long for the comments! They keep me going! I love reading them! But when I get a little whiny and long winded and down right pathetic, you really don't have to say anything (unless you really want to). I can't believe I am asking people not to comment--I'm crazy! Now the four people who I've actually connected with will never comment again.

What I'm trying to say, is I'm saying all of the stuff because I HAVE to say it for myself--not because I'm asking for the encouragement--does that make any sense at all? I love, love, love the encouragement, so if you are still reading this, you truly are a saint, and should leave a comment if you would like. Or you could just think me a strong, happy thought--and that thought will go a long way in providing the encouragement I need!

OK. So all three of you out there who I don't really think are reading this--please don't stop commenting. I'm just laughing at how ridiculous this is all sounding. It makes sense in my head.

Anyway! I love the Dr. Seuss quote that started this "longest post ever." I love quotes in general. So I'm going to use them to guide my talk as I post this week. I'm also going to focus in on my goals. This has been so hard for me to do, and it's the area where I hit a road block when I started this business a few weeks ago.

So I am here! I am still in the game! Game on!

Using My Challenges to Move Forward

2010-03-04T00:09:00.002-06:00

So in my last post, I poured over the details of our house hunt situation. And I admitted that I have been making poor food choices. Before I go to be tonight, I need to spell out for myself, the things that I need to explore here on JentoLose in order to learn from this situation.

These are the things I want to spend more time talking about as I move forward and keep on. So, here goes:

1. Learn How to Better Deal with Stress
There is always going to be stress in my life--in one form or another. My body is used to me abusing food to numb the stress. I make the choice to abuse food in order to escape from the stress. I need to come up with new ways to handle the stress

2. Binging
Part of my problem with food and losing weight is -- something comes over my body and my mind, and I choose to overeat with abandon--regardless of my weight loss goals. Now if I am in a "good place" like I felt during the previous two weeks, it's harder to move into this destructive behavior. But there are times when my mind works against me. I had never really called it binging before, but that is what it is. Recently, I've read a few blogs talking about binging, and it was through this reading that I have realized that I need to address this behavior. I need to identify and direct this behavior if I am going to move forward in the right, healthy direction. I'm not really sure what to do. But talking about it is a start.

3. The Right Goals
The number on the scale cannot be the goal for me--it just can't. I stepped on the scale Tuesday and was down two pounds -- even though my eating had been really bad. That is not success. I need to do some work thinking and identifying my goals. My goals need to involve healthy behavior and healthy choices--especially when dealing with stress.

4. Planning for the Weak Moments
I think one way I could have avoided falling into old behaviors and poor choices would be to plan for the times I want to throw in the towel. I need to identify ways I can help myself--things I can do to help myself when I want to derail in the future.

5. Journaling
Writing on Jen to Lose is so helpful for me. It helps me check in with myself. It keeps me accountable. And it helps me process. I NEED to commit to the journaling. By journaling, I am committing. When I don't write, I am hiding. I cannot hide from myself any longer.

You have your to-do list now Jen. Go to bed now and prepare to do some work on these areas soon.

I know there are a few of you out there who have started to support me in my process--and I am so grateful to you! Thank you, thank you! If you know of any good resources that have helped you with similar struggles, I would be all ears! Thanks!

I am so encouraged by the power of words, the power of community, and the power of sharing the journey that I have found by reading your stories. I'm so encouraged that I can move forward--stronger and with direction. Moving forward. . . finding my way.

JentoLose House Hunt Completed

2010-03-03T23:44:00.000-06:00

Where have you been Ms JentoLose? It's been over a week since I have written here, so clearly, I've been having a few challenges. Where to start? and where to go?

Last week was crazy! It was consumed with details and emotions and plans to sell our current home of nine years in order to buy a larger house. We did some research, crunched numbers, selected a real estate agent, viewed a number of properties comparable to the main house we were considering, met with a mortgage broker, and did lots of talking and planning.

I feel like our life kind of stopped as we contemplated making this major change for our family.

This entire process was very stressful and involved tons of details. My husband can be somewhat removed, but it was very hard for me not to become emotionally involved. On Saturday morning, we contacted our agent and decided to move forward with an offer to present on Sunday afternoon.

As we spent Saturday trying to figure out how it was going to be possible to sell our house, keep our sanity, and maintain our normal family and children activities in the process, things became much more complicated and unclear. Our kids were kind of crazy--mainly because their parents were preoccupied, and my husband and I became very irritated with each other as we tried to figure out how we were going to make this happen.

By Sunday morning we both decided that we were NOT willing to go into crazy mode just to sell our house! It just did not feel right. So we decided to step back and NOT make an offer.

Actually, as we talked more about it and spent some more time trying to figure out what we really want, we decided that we wanted to stay in our current home. And that it makes the most sense continuing to build upon the life we currently have in our small but cozy house.

We made two major mistakes throughout this process:

1. Skipping a Meal Led to Fast Food Mayhem
On Friday, we went met with a Realtor, and viewed a number of properties. But we did NOT eat lunch in the process. We rushed from this activity to a meeting with a mortgage broker. By the time it was all over, we were just spent, and needed to get food into our stomach. We could have made wise choices, but we did not!

2. Not Enough Sleep
Because we were overtired through this process, the stress hit us hard, the irritation hit us hard, and everything seemed hard. Now my husband actually works a job where he worked the midnight shift (10:30 pm to 6:30 am), so his tiredness was understandable, even though it didn't help the situation. I stayed up late crunching numbers, trying to figure out the finances and details. Not sleeping just made things seem harder. It's hard to make the right choices when you are tired.

So throughout all of this, I made the choice to eat poorly. I could go into the details here, but I won't. Instead, I want to focus on what I can learn about my behavior. For that's going to make the difference.

There are always going to be stressful situations. Where I am too tired. And too hungry. And too stressed. How am I going to act differently? and choose differently? and make wise decisions? I'm not exactly sure about the answers.

But that's what JentoLose is about for me. A place for me to keep trying to figure it out. And not giving up. I'm not even restarting. I'm moving on with direction. . . trying to identify. . . to understand. . . so I can change.

I think that's an OK place to be.

Red Lobster Victory and house stress.

2010-02-24T20:57:00.000-06:00

I'm still hanging in there with week 3! Had a small victory on Monday. We were taking care of some banking issues, so met my inlaws for lunch at Red Lobster. In the past, this definitely would have meant a chance for me to go off my eating plan. But I didn't! Instead, I said to myself, "Oh well! You won't be having all of that buttery stuff. But you can still have a great meal." And I did--yummy! I limited myself to one cheese biscuit and made really wise choices (won't bore you with the details).

It's turned into a crazy week! It turns out we have decided to move forward (at least gathering up all of the information needed--which is a lot) in deciding to buy a new home and sell our current home.

We have found a great home with double the space in our same elementary school boundary area. If we can make the finances work, we are going to move forward. That mean preparing to sell our home. And if we want to be elegible for the tax credit, we need to move fast in order to have it sold (purchase order in place by 4/30).

So what does this all mean to me? STRESS! And in the past, stress meant -- time to eat! But not this time! I'm a little worried about how this is all going to play out and affect my sticking to my goals. But I'm pretty positive about sticking to my plan--hell or high water. I feel really strong and confident when I say that! I don't want to return to the stress eating. It's going to be a few challenging months. We'll just have to wait and see and take it one day at a time. I feel calm in the fact that I know I can do it!

I still haven't really added the E word in to my life yet! Feels like there's no room for it--I know--total cop out! If I am really serious about my goals, I have to (and I want to) more forward with some activity. I will do this! I will make it part of my routine! It is probably not happening this week (or by the weekend at the earliest).

Life is good Jen! You are gaining so much by staying the course! How awesome is that!

How Can a Cheapskate Lose Weight?

2010-02-22T07:44:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to mention that I am a cheapskate. A pretty serious one. For the past year, I worked hard to live on a low grocery budget ($60-$80 weekly budget for family of four). I used coupons, read money saving blogs and resources, and I only bought what was on sale.

You can actually buy lots of healthy food for less if you use coupons and buy produce/meat/dairy that is on sale each week. But the planning can take some time, and with a new baby and weight loss goals in mind, time is not something I've had a lot of.

So even though I am continuing to try to shop wisely and save money at the store, I am changing a few things up. Here is this professed cheapskates strategy for spending less and losing weight:

1. Increase my Grocery/Household Budget -- In order to give myself more flexibility, I am increasing my buying budget by $40. Though I don't want to spend more money, I think it's necessary if I am going to be successful. Many weeks I can do the planning, shop smart with coupons, and save money, but some weeks, it just won't happen, so an increased grocery budget gives me the flexibility I need!

2. Don't Buy the Bad Stuff, Even If It's Cheaper -- I've decided that I am not going to buy foods that contain high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil as much as possible, even if items with those ingredients are cheaper! This has been a focus for me in the past, but now I am committed to buying the better stuff!

3. Pay Full Price -- I hate paying full price for anything! Hate it! But only buying sales items limits the variety of food I have in the house. So to increase my success I am going to suck it up and buy some items--especially the fruits and vegetables, meat, dairy, whole grains my family will eat!

4. Shop at Aldi and Trader Joes -- I love these two stores for the kinds of food you can buy and the prices. I love Trader Joes' raw almonds, soups, EVOO, frozen fruit/veggies, and brown rice. I shop at Aldi for their great produce prices, and was recently surprised by all of the great "Fit & Active" items that I bought there.

5. Go More Vegetarian -- We are definitely a "meat and potatoes" family, but I think we can make some changes here, even if they're slow. If I introduce one vegetarian meal a week, I know that we will save on meat and eat more whole grains and legumes.

6. Eat Out Less -- We already do a pretty good job in this area. The one thing that helps us limit our eating out is that we often have a pizza night and Chinese take-in. I will often make a homemade pizza or stir fry, but when I don't have the time, a "doctored up" frozen pizza is a treat. We have recently started to buy a few Asian meals where you add chicken. These along with a frozen egg roll give us the taste of take out without the price.

Now I wouldn't eat these foods all of the time, but they provide a treat and convenience--with out the price tag of eating out! And I can add better foods to the meal like a salad, veggies, fruit, and milk, that help us fill up on the good stuff and eat less of the others. Works for us!

7. Planning -- I am not always perfect at planning, but I know that it will allow me more food options and give me a plan to succeed! I like to plan our weekly menu (very flexible) at the same time that I make my grocery list. Doing this one step can be a huge time saver when I am trying to figure out what I am going to feed myself and my family. And if I feel like I need something to eat but nothing sounds good, I can go to my menu for ideas. We've probably all heard the saying, "If you fail to plan you plan to fail." So even though the planning take time, I'll keep trying to do it.

8. Free Activity -- I've already mentioned that I don't have a gym membership right now. But there are so many activities I can do for free: exercise videos and books that I own, or borrowed from the library or a friend. I have a step, which I can use while I watch TV. Our community also has a free walking track, and I can't wait to walk outside when it gets warmer and less slippery out. There are lots of options!

So this is what I'm going to do to try to keep saving and losing. I'd love to hear your strategies for spending less and losing more! Thanks for reading!

Week 2 -- Food that Got Me Through

2010-02-22T06:48:00.002-06:00

When I starting JentoLose, I thought I would share my favorite recipes that were working for my family! Since I am not ready to do this right now, I decided I would at least post about the foods that I am really enjoying each week. I'm not going to talk about ALL of the food I am eating, but just the food that is so delish right now!

I'm hoping this will be a good resource for me in future weeks when I get bored with what I am eating. I can return to these "Food that Got Me Through" posts to get ideas and reminders. So, here goes, food from both week 1 and 2:

Week 2 Food:

Crunchy Chicken Salad -- Chicken nuggets are a great kid food in our house. At Aldi recently, I purchased two kinds I had never tried before--both with less fat and no hydrogenated oil. A serving worked out to about 4 WW points. Cut the chicken up, put on a huge bowl of romaine and spinach, and serve with light honey mustard dressing. Who knew that I could eat so much green stuff!
String Cheese -- This is a staple in our fridge, but I have never really eaten it in the past. I had it often this week, and it was really great--really rich! The Roundy's brand was yummy! I have bought it at Aldi before, but don't think it's as good (too salty).
Good Earth Tea (decaf) -- I have checked the ingredients, and keep thinking there is sugar in this tea. Not really sure, but I love it! Has a strong cinnamon flavor, so I feel like I am getting a sugar kick when I am not--love that! Their website says, "Our teas have no added sweeteners in the formula. They do not contain any sugar, artificial sweeteners or preservatives. Any perceived sweetness in the tea is due to the combination of spices and citrus components in the herbs and oils."
Oatmeal -- yes I am still adding brown sugar, but this is so filling! Need to work my way to steel cut oats. I read about cooking in crock pot--might try that.
Chili Dog -- hot dog with 1/2 a cup of vegetarian chili. I would get sick of this pretty quickly, but this week enjoyed it!

Week 1 Food:

Grape Nuts Cereal -- a bit high in WW points, but I so like the crunch
Apple with 1 Tbs peanut butter (yum)
Strawberry Peanut Butter Smoothie -- 1 cup milk, 1 cup strawberries, 1 TBS peanut butter , 1/2 to 1 tsp sugar free strawberry jello. I do not love artificial sweeteners, but this is a nice treat for me, and gives me a little sugar taste when I am craving it.
Chili -- I love me some soup, and I make my chili with lots of liquid. The soup helps me fill up and stay full--love it! Keep meaning to make more soup or chili but haven't gotten to it yet.
Almonds --eat 12 with water (so filling)
Sweet Potato French Fries -- love the char from high roasting with the sweetness

Week 2 -- Losing and Gaining

2010-02-22T06:19:00.004-06:00

JentoLose ~ Losing the Weight. . . Gaining the World

Week 2 Weigh In

Weight: 227.5
Loss: -3

Losing

3 pounds
the Whining
the Excuses
the "sugar low" feeling
the eating while watching TV (who knew I could actually watch TV and not eat?)

Gaining

the Belief that I can do this
the Belief that this time will be different
the Belief in myself
a Body that feels good, nourished by fruits and vegetables and whole foods
Momentum to continue making the right choices
Energy! (both physically and mentally)
a family that's eating better

Goals for Week 3

To fine tune my goals--both long and short term--including stating the work I will do to accomplish those goals (they still don't feel right to me)
Add 3 days of Project E word -- and really do it!
Eat my snacks at more consistent times throughout the day
Drink all of my water (at least 8 cups daily) -- felt like I was a little lax last week

Week 2 Review
It's been a second, strong week! I feel great! Even though I've been doing some whining (I still hear in the back of my head, "This is sooooo hard), I feel that the change has begun. I feel positive about continuing and making the right choices.

I've been hungrier lately--which is good and bad. Haven't felt that feeling in a long time! I need to do a better job of eating my snacks throughout the day--perhaps BEFORE I get hungry. My family is eating SO much better, which makes me feel great! In the past, I never let my children eat like I did, and I ate lots of food when they weren't around. But the junk food was in the house and often available during meals or for dessert. We are adjusting to better desserts and meals with out dessert (gasp!). We are doing a great job of eating STRONG food (that's what we call the good stuff in our house--the food that makes us strong).

I have definitely been feeling the temptation to return to old behavior--especially during stressful moments--but I've kept my goals in mind. I like having a mantra (got the idea from a discussion at Project 365) like "Oh, well--not going to be eating like crazy today--not going to do it). My body and mind are still programmed with the old behaviors of eating to celebrate everything. . . but if feels good to know that I am "reprogramming" my body and mind!

Had a moment this week where I felt like I was getting a headache, and, right away, wanted to eat, so I caught myself: Aha! That's what you used to do when you weren't feeling good--eat it away! Didn't even know I was doing it! Now drink some water, have a healthy snack, and regroup.

For some reason, my husband and I are considering the possibility of purchasing a new house--why, I don't know, because it's not like we have the money to really make this happen. But my husband has been feeling cramped lately and thinks we should consider the possibility. This all started when we found a house we really like in our current neighborhood and school district--and in a pretty good price point for us.

So my emotions have been going up (with the excitement of having more space and a new home) and then going down (when thinking of the possibility of being strapped with a larger mortgage, PMI, and trying to sell our current house when we are not prepared). Sigh. . . I want to stay put, but my husband is all excited now. Doesn't help him that I keep talking about the pros and cons (our minds work so differently). In the past, I would be eating through this process, but not now! The change has been made!

Life is good! The momentum is building! I am moving forward! Here's to a strong week 3!

To Gym or Not to Gym

2010-02-19T15:58:00.002-06:00

So I don't have gym membership. I'm not going to get a gym membership. At least not right now. I'm not against getting one. I have had a gym membership in the past. We live really close to our local community center, which has a new facility. I could get one, but I am not. Here's why:

1. I don't want to.

2. I don't want to spend the money. (I haven't mentioned that I am a total cheapskate. My family has been working a plan to pay off all of our debt. The gym membership isn't in the plan right now.)

3. There are fitness things I can do right now that would work for me--that I would do. My list: walking videos, exercise videos from the library, borrowed videos from a friend, lifting hand weights (have the weights, will use books from library), using my step while watching TV (I'm getting a hold of the first two seasons of Lost--never watched the series. This is going to be my activity while stepping).

4. I'm going to do the #3 activities for a while--get me started. It's winter up in the great White North, but once it thaws, I'm going to move it outside--that will be a nice change of pace.

5. This will give me time to save up and work the gym membership into my budget. Maybe by next fall or winter, I might change my mind. Maybe the gym next year will be a good way to change things up.

Works for me, the sensible me that I am. So am I a sissy? Are you saying to yourself -- "If you were really committed, you would suck it up and go to the gym. You would spend the money and make the commitment."

I don't think so. I'm not going to the gym. So it's Project E Word at home for now. (If you haven't figured it out that's my code phrase for exercise right now--I just hate that word).

Project E Word

2010-02-19T15:42:00.001-06:00

Mission One: Accomplished

Next Mission: Tomorrow

Did 3 miles of walking videos! I did them! I changed clothes and did them! The momentum is building, no turning back now. My feet were like--whatcha doing there! They were pretty numb or tingly--haven't seen the E word in a long time. No Biggest Loser workout here. I took it really easy. And it was hard (got to get a whine in). But I feel great! Works for me. It's the start I need right now.

Oh I Just Need to. . .

2010-02-18T23:21:00.003-06:00

-- get organized before I can add some exercise into the plan.

--clean my bathroom before I can really exercise.

--get to the grocery store.

--finish the laundry.

--write in JentoLose.

Shall I go on?

I've been moving forward on the food end of my plans here, and I want to start adding some activity. I know, baby steps, one step at a time. Yeah, I know. The thing is--I really do want to add the activity. I remember how good it can feel. I want to start doing more!

But I'm stuck! For some reason I just can't seem to start. Right after Christmas I bought new tennis shoes, lots of new socks, and even some new clothes. Those were supposed to motivate me. I even bought a new exercise video. Haven't even touched those things! Stuck!

Not really sure why I'm stuck. If I say I want to exercise (there's that E word that I hate), why don't I do it? I think it's the same form of procrastination that I have had in just starting! Maybe it's a form of denial. Anyone else been there? I just wish I could put some words down to describe it! I guess "stuck" says it all! There is something to be said for actually moving, doing, and gain momentum. But here I sit, stuck!

Actually -- no I am not! I am unsticking myself right now! Tomorrow afternoon is the time! While my babe naps, I am committed to the activity--my new exercise video (ohhhh that E word!). It's on my calendar.

My words are here! See, unstuck! You've put it out here Jen so you are doing it! You're unstuck!

How great is that! Who knew it could be this easy to get unstuck? Who knew?

Now stop talking and move it!

In My Daughter's Eyes

2010-02-18T23:02:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning I was in a hurry, didn't shower, and quickly pulled my hair back in a pony tail. Sometimes I think that pulling my hair away from my face might make me look thinner (yeah right). That morning, my eight year old daughter commented on my hair--something about it looking lighter--she saw something I didn't.

Later in the day, we were sitting together, talking at the piano bench after her lesson (her teacher comes to our house), and she reached up and stroked my hair, saying, "It's so pretty." By this time of the day, in my eyes, my hair was slicked back and greasy, but she saw something different.

We continued talking about music and she commented, "Your singing is so beautiful. Sometimes you make me want to cry when you sing." Music is something that has always been an important form of self expression for me, so her words really mean something to me.

It is in that moment that I figured our something really important!

My daughter sees beyond the fat. She sees me! She sees all that is beautiful in her Mom.

I know she sees the fat too, because she has asked me when my tummy is going to get smaller -- after having our baby number three. But that's not really the important thing! She sees beyond that!

I am making the choice to live differently, to eat differently, to move differently in order to lose the weight and live a better, healthier life. Ultimately I am doing this for me! But I am also doing it for her--and my entire family.

I am inspired to see myself through my daughter's eyes! I am inspired to live up to the vision that she sees--the things that are already there inside of me. She sees all of the good! And she forgives so easily when I make a mistake with her--yell too much, worry too much, or expect too much because she is the oldest. I'm inspired to forgive myself like she forgives me.

I thought I'd be a little sappy and leave you with Martina McBride's song, "In My Daughter's Eyes." Now that I've listened to it with my weight loss goals in mind, it really says a lot about my own journey and what I am striving for.

My daughter inspires me. So I'm going to keep going. I have work to do and reasons to do it. The thing that's really awesome is--I'm already that person! I want to be a better reflection of that person. I want to see that person too when I look in the mirror. Thank you little Miss M for helping me along the way! I love you baby.

Pictures Are Hard

2010-02-16T22:54:00.006-06:00

They really are hard! I finally posted some pictures in my JentoLose Pict link, and they are just a strong reminder of reality. I hate having my picture taken as so many people do in my situation. I hide behind my children, try to position my head just so, but nothing works. The picture doesn't lie.

As I look at the pictures, I am struck by the fact that I have been living in denial for so long! ( I'm also struck by the fact that I really need a new hair cut, but that's another story.)

I went on a search and also found two pictures from earlier times in my life when I was in a really good place--times when I felt good and when I was taking care of my body. These pictures encourage me. I want to feel like I felt then. I want to smile and move like I did then. I want those pictures to be my reality.

I'm saddened by the fact that I currently don't want to have my picture taken with my children because I want to hide the fat, the double chin. And, as a result, there are not a lot of pictures with me and them. I'm always the one taking the pictures.

At the same time, the pictures catch a glimpse of reality. Yes I don't like what I see. But I'm going to start using the pictures to make the change and see the change. I'm moving forward with the end in mind. I'm moving forward with tomorrow in mind.

And from now on, I want to be in the pictures! I want to be in all of my family pictures. I am no longer going to let my size or shape or face shape dictate my memories.

So Jen, move forward, and use the pictures to work toward your goal. You might not like what you see right now, but you will see the change -- not only in the size of your body, but in the sparkle in your eye, in the beauty of your smile. If that's now an awesome thing to look forward to, I don't know what is.

Any one else out there changing the way they use or look at their photos? I'd love to hear what you have to say about making the photos work for you.

New Habits in Week Two

2010-02-15T22:47:00.002-06:00

Week 2 Goals
--To do an exercise walking video twice this week.
--To continue to track my eating in my food journal--limiting a sugar treat (if needed) to one a day.

So I'm going strong into week two and it feels great! It's amazing how great you feel when your body is not on the sugar highs and lows. I feel soo much better all ready! I don't feel the craving for the sugar. For that reason, I am really trying to limit my sugar intake.

It's interesting how my mind works. Before I started, I was eating all the time--for entertainment. And so I continue to find my mind returning to old habits. For example, it's getting to be bedtime for the kids, and I catch my mind thinking, "What am I going to eat tonight?" And then I remember, "Oh yeah, I'm not eating for fun anymore."

I'm trying to pay close attention to my hunger signals and if I am really wanting a food. I did have some air popped popcorn a few nights last week, and that was fine. It's interesting to me how, right now, I don't really need to eat the food during the evening--when I used to do it routinely. It's doable right now.

I know that right now, I am in the honeymoon period, and that the craving for the treats and sugar will return--especially in the evening--all of that emotional eating when I was really tired at the end of the day. Of course there are underlying issues there--otherwise I wouldn't have a problem with my weight and overeating.

But right now, I'm in a good place, and I'm going to take it. No worries. Here's to a strong week 2.

Weekly Weigh In and Nursing

2010-02-15T22:34:00.008-06:00

Weighed in this morning at 230.5 for a 5.5 loss at the scale this week. It's a loss I will take!

Don't know if I mentioned that I am a nursing mom of my seven month old babe, so I don't really know what that means for the scale. I'm trying to weigh in once a week in the morning --after I nurse my babe -- at the same time every week. I'm guessing that the nursing might skew the results some times. But at least if I see some consistent weight loss (1-2 lbs a week) over time, I will know I am making progress.

With my past two babies (8 and 5 years ago), I was never really able to lose weight while nursing, but I'm giving it a go this time. Because I know Weight Watchers Points plan, I am using their Points recommendation for a nursing Mom. This gives me a whopping 38 points a day to eat! I have a hard time eating all of these points every day. It works out to be about 10 more points than if I weren't nursing.

Their materials also says to return to the "normal" points plan once your child is relying mainly on solid foods. Well, my babe is eating solid foods, but I am still nursing at least 5 times a day. So what I've decided to do is to reduce my points gradually by two points every two-three weeks. That makes sense to me.

I'm really using the extra points to make sure I get at least 2-3 servings of dairy and 1-2 servings of oil.

It's going well. I feel good about all of the good, healthier food I have been putting into my body.

Jen to Lose Goals

2010-02-15T21:12:00.005-06:00

Knowing exactly what you want is the first step to getting it.

Sometimes all of my words get in the way of really saying what I want to say. So I'm going to keep it simple:

Long Term Goals:

Weight Loss Goal #1: I will reach my pre-pregnancy weight of 205 pounds.
Weight Loss Goal #2: I will do the work to reach a weight of 180 pounds.
Weight Loss Goal #3: I will do the work to reach a final weigh of 150-155 pounds.

Non-Scale Goals:

Long Term Goal #1: I will do the work to take care of my body and improve my health. I will track this success by having my cholesterol and blood pressure tested. (I will share my current numbers soon.)

Long Term Goal #2: I will become more active with my family, making the dedicated effort to move more and be active with my children on a regular basis.

Small Steps - Small Goals:

#1 -- I will strive for a 2 pound loss every week.
#2 -- I will control my food/calorie intake by keeping a written food journal.
#3 -- I will use JentoLose on a regular basis to explore my thoughts, feelings, successes, and set backs through this process. I will use it as a weight loss tool.
#4 -- I will reward myself for each 5 pound weight loss.

Week One in Review

2010-02-14T21:55:00.007-06:00

Small Successes: detoxing from sugar, drinking lots of water, minimum night eating (no sugar), limiting myself to one pizza slice

It has been a great week! I'm actually making the change. The first steps are over--this is my life, me living it, and it feels great!

I'll weigh in tomorrow. Not too worried about what the scale says. I just feel so great that I am making this change. It hasn't been easy, but honestly it hasn't been the worst thing in the world.

Early in the week, I noticed some of my bad habits -- or, the kids are gone, let's eat! So now I can't do that! I'm sure this will still be a challange, but I am aware of it.

I've had to do a little whining in this process. It maybe hasn't come out in these posts here, but it's definitely in my head. It's like I've been saying in my whiniest voice -- "This is going to be so hard." So what Jen--deal with it! You are making the choice to do it, so deal with it! And, even more importantly, you have the determination to really make this happen. How awesome is that!

I've eaten some great food this week. Chili, Strawberry PB Smoothies, and almonds helped keep me satisfied. Having chicken and rice cooked early in the week made it easy for me to make a few quick stir fry for lunches.

For Valentine's Day, my family went bowling for two hours. I'm now feeling a few aches, which let's me know that, oh yes, my body has not moved for a while--and it needs to start moving. While bowling, we had pizza, and I limited myself to one slice--a huge success. Valentine dinner was surf and turf--with other healthy fixings--ending with an "on the lighter side" chocolate cake. I didn't feel deprived at all.

It's been a great first week! You are awesome Jen! You are starting small. You are making food changes. And you are moving forward. Here's to tomorrow and week #two.

Move Away from the Fat -- the Language of Losing Weight

2010-02-12T10:20:00.005-06:00

My last post was on all of my fears. I know it was a lot, and I know it was a little bit of a downer. But I just had to get it out there. I've had a really great first week of making some changes--an awesome week actually! But at the same time, I feel a little bit uncertain.

I really want to keep Jen to Lose positive and encouraging, because I think that will help me the most. At the same time, if I am being honest, and Jen to Lose is my place to do so, I'm going to talk about my insecurities. I'm going to have down days, and I will share about them. I'm positive that I am going to have TONS of amazing things to share that will just light up Jen to Lose! I'm certain! So before I move on to my next post where I talk about this GREAT week, I have one more thing that I have been struggling with:

(Whew! What a long introduction!) As I write and try to describe what I am doing here, I am struggling to find the right language that REALLY explains what I am doing.

I keep using words like

getting healthy, changing my life, my action plan, living my best life, making a change for the better, moving my body more, better eating, better living.

There are tons more that I just can't think of right now. BUT THESE WORDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! Now these words really are actually pretty good--nothing really wrong with them. But I feel like I have said them all before. I feel like I am being too nice to myself when I am using them. I feel like I might be avoiding the read deal when I say them. I feel like they are BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Perhaps these words are part of the denial. Perhaps I am just trying to avoid being so blunt as to say -- "I have made myself really fat and I want to get rid of my fat ass!" (BTW, I just read an intersting post by Mrs. Fat Ass about her name, which made me think a lot). I think I try to avoid the negative labels because I don't think they really encourage me.

But let's face the facts. I am fat! I can avoid the word all I want but it's true! The O word--another thing that scares me. Yes I am obese--probably pretty close if not in the morbidly obese category. It's reality! And there is nothing wrong with that! (Well yes there is, that's why I'm here). But face it Jen! There is a lot of good that can come when you just state the truth. Don't just sugar coat it with all of the nice, pretty words. Now move forward!

Yes you are fat right now! You know that. And you are making a change. You are moving forward towards your goals (what are those goals again?) Move away from the fat (LOL). Do the work now, one itty bitty moment at time, to change your life, to lose the fat, to lose the weight. You know, you are NOT going to be fat forever, because you are making the decision to change your life. And words might not really explain it. But you are doing the work! And that's all that matters.

Oh, you have so much to gain. Right now, in the present, and in your future. I'm excited to keep going on the journey.

(BTW, it feels pretty damn good to write this post--I needed it!)

Fear

2010-02-11T23:00:00.001-06:00

I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid that this attempt to lose weight will be like all the others. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid that I can't commit. I'm afraid that I won't do. I'm afraid I will chose food instead of me, instead of everything else that is so good and rich in my life. I'm afraid to start. Afraid.

I'm afraid for my children -- afraid that they will learn and embed all of my bad habits. I'm afraid that I will die--that I am treating my body so badly that I will have a heart attack or some other ailment like diabetes. I'm afraid that I can't change. I'm afraid that this will be like all of the other times. How can I make it different? How will I know when it is?

I'm afraid that I will have to change my life. I'm afraid that I won't want to change my life. I'm afraid that I will have to get up earlier and stay up later. I'm afraid that I will have to watch less TV, and that I won't. I'm afraid that I am looking at all of the "have tos. I'm afraid I am looking at this all wrong--just like the past. I'm afraid that I'm going to want to sit on the couch.

How do I make this time different? I have said in the past that this isn't a diet. That I am making the change for life, because we all know that diets don't work. We all know that "all or nothing" thinking doesn't work. Don't we? But what does?

This isn't a diet! But I am going to need to change my life, my habits, my actions. And change can be hard. Change is hard--I have a hard time with it.

Here's the thing -- I'm afraid of not starting. I'm afraid of not changing. I'm afraid of continuing down this road of self destruction and denial. I'm afraid of wasting my life away with all of these worries and all of this damn fear! Seriously!

If I can do one thing as part of this process it is to LOSE THE FEAR.

As you can see from this massive post of insecurities, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I wrote most of this post last week, and now I am 4 days in to eating healthy and moving forward. And I still have the fear! I"m scared! I can't really explain it any better right now. I know, sounds pretty pathetic.

But I'm taking a step. I'm controlling the food I put in my body. Baby step. I'm writing about my process here. baby step. Be patient with yourself Jen. You are on the right track! You have made a strong start! You are going strong! You are living your life! You are making the change you have wanted. Give yourself a little credit and keep going. Just keep going.

Action Plan -- So Many Choices

2010-02-11T13:13:00.007-06:00

So I'm gaining some momentum:
-Healthy food in the house. Check.
-Tracking my eating (i.e. writing things down). Check
-Posting on Jentolose. Check.

What's next:
--Set my goals, both long and short term. (I've started a post on this, but for some reason, have been having a hard time. I want to be clear with my expectations. I want to be very directed and specific in my approach. I will finish this soon).
--Add the activity--get moving (I hate to call it exercise--don't like that word). I'm going to give myself a few more days before I commit to this. Small steps right now.

As part of all of this, I've been trying to figure out what plan of attack to use for both counting calories or controlling my food intake and the E word -- exercise!

There are so many plans out there right now, that it's almost overwhelming. Do I do Weight Watchers again? I've had success with this program before. How about all of the Biggest Loser stuff out there? What even is the 30 day Shred? Just thinking about it scares me. Should I join a gym? I'm a cheapskate and I just don't want to right now--maybe some day. Just heard of Volumetrics? Or my husband has used the Abs Diet for Men and lost weight and inches before. If you turn on daytime TV, all they talk about are people trying to lose weight and starting to lose weight, etc, etc. So where do you even begin????

Plan of Attack
I'm going to start small. I'm going to start with what I know I can do. And then I can change or add things as I go. Because this isn't just a short term change; this is my life and my activities changing. I have time to try different things. I'm going to start with what works for me.

Food -- So I'm going to follow the Weight Watchers point system. I'm familiar with it, I do like it, and I have had success with it in the past. I'm a little bit afraid of it because it might be "the same old thing," but I'm starting there. Since I am still breastfeeding, it gives me a concrete starting place while I am still nursing--and I like that.

I'm not going to join WW again -- yet, though I definitely haven't ruled it out. I'm going to give this a go, doing the blogging thing, and see where I end up.

Exercise -- So I don't have a hard core plan. I'm not going to go to the gym and work out. I'm just not ready to do that. But this is what I CAN do. I can commit to exercising everyday. I can do walking videos and exercise videos from the library. I have a Step and can use it while watching TV. I have never really lifted weights, and I am going to add this to my activity. Not really sure where I am going to start. We have a set of hand weights, so I am set there. If anyone is reading (I don't really think so, but maybe), any recommendations for a beginning at home weight lifting program. I will probably check out some books from the library and try some different things.

There you have it --Jen to Lose's Starting Out Action Plan. It works for me. Small steps. Small decisions. I know they will change my world for ever.

Baby Weight Is Still Weight to Lose

2010-02-10T23:12:00.003-06:00

I don't know if I mentioned yet that I have a 6 month old baby (almost 7). My third baby. My last baby.

Before the babe was born, I weighed 205 lbs. Nine months pregnant--I weighed 250. This week, I weighed 236. This is the exact same pattern I followed with all three of my children.

When my first child was about a year, I joined Weight Watchers for the first time, and it took me a while, but I lost the weight and more--down to 183 lbs. But when I became pregnant with my 2nd, when right back up to 250, down to around 235. And I lost that baby weight too--down to 187 a few years ago, but up to about 205 before pregnancy #3.

Sorry to bore with numbers, but those numbers are engrained in my head. One of my goals is to get down to that 183 lb mark (haven't posted my goals yet--that's a post in progress).

One of the numbers that scares me the most right now is my waist size --49". That's a big waist! My daughter knows that it's a big middle--she has asked me twice when my tummy was going to go back to normal.

I am back into some of my pre-pregnancy clothing--the big stuff! Most of the stuff is tight in the belly.

With all of this rambling, I am trying to say that all of this baby weight is weight now! The baby is out, and it doesn't matter that I was recently pregnant. It doesn't matter that I put this weight on while pregnant. It's all just weight. pounds. fat. The result of the decision I have made, of the excess food I have put into my body. I need to make the decision to address the fat around my middle and everywhere on my body.

I think I am still in denial about what my body actually looks like. I've been meaning to post some pictures up here--need to do that soon.

I figure that I am using JentoLose to lose the weight, I might as well put the pictures out there. I'm going to keep my clothes on though. Just putting fat pictures of me out there is bad enough right now.

Here's one goal. With the first two pregnancies, it took me an entire year before I took action to shed the baby weight. And now I'm at 6 months post baby--I'm six months ahead of the game.

And no more babies, so it's time to lose it for good this time. That's why this time is going to be different.

Eating Has Been My Hobby

2010-02-10T22:59:00.003-06:00

Since I have been tracking my eating for three days strong now, changing my eating habits is highlighting how much I have been eating. On a typical day before tracking, I would eat ALL day! Just because--the food was there.

And I would definitely eat when my children were not in the house. My five year old's off to preschool? Time for the ice cream! Baby's napping? Weren't there some chips left? It's ridiculous--and not in a good way. My body is sooooo addicted to sugar, it's not even funny!

What I am realizing is that I have to change my habits, change my routines. Right now, my body is programmed to eat, eat, eat. And I have to give it the time to reprogram. I'm sure I'm probably having sugar withdrawal. I've had kind of a light constant headache for a few days now--I attributed it to hormones, but sugar levels definitely could play a part.

The question I have to ask myself is -- what do I do now that I am not eating? (Eating the junk that is). I am trying to eat at regular intervals throughout the day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack).

I need to develop some new habits. I've been chewing lots of gum so my mouth has something to do, and drinking lots of water. I do need to add the exercise, but right now I'm going with tracking the food. I'll let my body adjust and add the exercise soon.

I also recently realized that I have abandoned some of my old hobbies. Just haven't had time for them. Why no time? Because I was sitting on the couch eating. I would love to play the piano more and sing more and read more and move my body more. I would love to play with my kids more and read books with them and just be with them.

So the question I am still trying to figure out--if eating is no longer my hobby, what is??? How do I start doing more and thinking about the food less? Do I still want to eat the junk? No. . . yes. . . no! I'm reminded again how eating healthy doesn't have to be depriving!

These are my random thoughts--sorry if someone is actually reading this and I sound crazy! Thanks for reading my randomness

Work In Progress

2010-02-10T22:51:00.002-06:00

I can't seem to make it on to the computer lately. Since I'm home with my kids, I try to limit my computer time to when they are at preschool or sleeping, so it really doesn't leave me a lot of time. But I think getting the "stuff" out of my head is an important part of the process, so I think I need to figure out how to write on a regular basis.

One step at a time.

I would love to do tons more one creating a cool design to JentoLose and I would love to do lots of great, amazing, inspiring posts like I keep reading out in bloggy land. But I'm just not there. It's all a work in progress.

I have to claim where I am at. And right now that means posting a lot of random thoughts, posting when I can, and just making the decision to change--one decision at a time.

I have been tracking my eating for three days strong now--feels good, feels great! I have actually been hungry. It's pretty sad that I haven't felt hunger pains in a long time--I can't even tell you when the last time I felt hungry.

I'm kind of tired now, so should wrap up soon. One of my bloggy problems is staying up way too late to blog. I'm trying to get to bed earlier--hoping to get into a better routine.

Doing It Today! My First Weigh In!

2010-02-09T09:50:00.010-06:00

My First Weigh In - 2/8/09
Weight -- 236 pounds
Waist (at BB) -- 49"
Hips -- 50.5"
Upper Arm -- 13.5"
Thigh --? (forgot to take measurement)

So I have taken that final step in my preparations (i.e. end the procrastination), or first step, and I have committed to living better, eating better, and moving my body.

I have committed to doing the work to reach my weight loss and live healthier goals.

And it feels great! I admit that I have this fear lingering in my mind -- fear! But I'm moving forward, and I'm going to try to use this blogging thing as a tool--for sharing all of my thoughts and emotions in this process--and perhaps I'll truly identify what that fear is all about. There's time for that.

I have done lots of different things to try to lose the weight, but I have never blogged about it. I'm excited about using Jentolose as a weight loss tool. I have started to comment more on other blog posts that speak to me--so a few people have stopped by. That kind of scares me too--other people reading my deepest darkest feelings when it comes to losing the weight. But when I read some of blogs our there, I totally see myself.

And when I have read their success stories and see their before/after pictures, I'm so hopeful. I want the same success! I know I can find my own success!

I'm doing it today! I've gained one day of health. I'm taking care of myself -- and ultimately taking better care of my family. That's a great thing

Losing the Weight, Gaining the World

2010-02-05T23:40:00.005-06:00

I have tried to lose weight many times. Some time I'm sure I'll share all the details of my many weight loss exploits but I don't have the desire or energy to do so right now. But I've been to that party many times.

So as I approach making healthy choices, I thought I would use JentoLose to focus both on what I am LOSING and what I am GAINING. My hope is that this will prove encouraging and inspiring to me as I face the daily challenges that arise.

So the LOSING -- Of course this refers to the NUMBERS! Got to have the numbers -- weekly weigh ins, measurements, etc, etc. And I'm going to share all of my numbers. I figure, what the hell. The pounds are on my body--I'm not hiding them from anyone. I'm putting myself out there on Jentolose. I might as well bear it all. It is me. Let me clarify. The numbers are NOT me, but they reflect where I am right now. The numbers don't define me. They are a tool I can use as I track my weight loss progress.

And the GAINING -- So why not focus on all of the good stuff that will happen as I commit to taking care of myself. I'm tempted to list here all of those great things that I hope to gain--like feeling better, more energy, health, etc, etc, but I'm going to stop. And I'm going to let my journey decide what those are. But I'm going to document the GAIN.

Losing and Gaining--that's what Jentolose is all about. Notice the sidebars (losing on the left; gaining on the right)--still not perfectly happy with the layout. But who's perfect?

My Blog Title -- Jen's ?

2010-02-05T23:16:00.005-06:00

Blog Titles: Jen's Simple Gifts or Jen to Lose

So I have been working on all of the details to make this blog thing come together. And seriously I love messing with all of it. And seriously, I'm using it as an excuse not to REALLY start. I've been meaning to post about my blog title --Jen to Lose --so here's my post.

When I original started my "get healthy" blog, I was going to call it Jen's Simple Gifts. I even had the Blogger blog set up with a cute header and everything else. I chose the simple gifts title for a few reasons:

1. I love that old Shaker Hymn -- Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free, tis a gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, twill be in the valley of love and delight.

I really love this song, and it speaks to me that the most important things in our lives are really the simple things, and that losing weight and taking care of yourself really is part of that simplicity.

2. Giving myself the gift of weight loss and health is one of the best, the greatest gifts I can give myself and my family.

3. I wanted my blog to be more than "just" a weight loss blog. I wanted it to be about me, about my life, about who I am. And even though I'm preparing my blog so others will also read it, I really want it for me--to reflect all that is good or bad or crazy or fabulous about the way I approach this journey of mine. I have so many awesome things going in my life--so many simple gifts. Losing the weight and living differently is just one part of my life--given a HUGE part, but I want to keep some perspective.

But once I got Jen's Simple Gifts ready to go, it just didn't seem right--still don't know why. Still love that old song though!

One night, I was messing around with some online weight loss stuff--think I was at Sparkpeople, and I created the user name Jentolose. And when Simple Gifts didn't really work, I kept going back to Jentolose. I like the way it rolls off my tongue. I like that it can be one word. And I just really, really like it. It feels like me

So Jen to Lose or Jentolose it is.

Now Jentolose, you need to get your butt moving! You have done the preparation! You have done the work! There is more work to do--there always is. If you don't commit, the journey will go on without you, and you will be on it without even knowing it. Commit to the journey! Commit to beginning! Take that first step! You can!

Am I Starting?

2010-02-04T22:54:00.003-06:00

Something interesting is happening this week. So I have finally started to write on Jentolose. I'm sloooooooooowly making the commitment, but haven't quite set the "start date" yet. Because you know there has to be a start date (why, I'm not really sure). Anyway. But I'm getting ready. Let's be honest--I'm still in my "failing to act" mode. But I'm making progress.

Here's the thing. The one good thing I have done this week is -- I haven't bought or brought any junk food into the house. All week after lunch and dinner, my kids have asked, "What's for dessert?" And we just say, "No dessert tonight." And here's the amazing thing -- the world did not end! They did not fall to the floor flailing and crying. They're used to having dessert, but when we don't have it, life goes on. And it's OK--better than OK.

This gives me hope. We can change our habits. Change our lives. One baby step at a time.

Today I went to both Trader Joes and Aldis and completely stocked up on some foods that will help me get off to a good, strong start -- frozen fruit, natural peanut butter, EVOO, brown rice, produce, salmon, tilapia etc. And I resisted a lot of the bad stuff--you know the stuff with hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup.

I know this progress is so slow for me, but I am really getting there. Tomorrow, I am staying home all day. I need to hit the hay now, but tomorrow, I commit to doing two things:

--Getting my food journal in place. (This means finding the journal I bought months ago and putting it in my kitchen.)
--Pulling out some of the exercise equipment I am going to use and making it readily available.

I know that some of this must sound pretty stupid and "stuck." But I do think I am making progress. It helps to write about it.

Here's to tomorrow.

Who Are You JentoLose?

2010-02-01T23:56:00.003-06:00

Good Question. I'm a Mom, a wife, a woman, a girl. I'm actually kind of tearing up as I write this. I'm actually a crybaby too--cry about everything--it's a curse!

I don't really know who I am. I guess that's part of my problem with my weight. I have weight problems--same ones as everyone else has. I eat for entertainment. I don't move my body like I need to move my body. I really don't move it much at all. I'm not making great choices. I think about making a change all the time--every day, every night before I go to sleep. I've been stuck.

But I'm taking a step here today. I'm posting.

A little more about me:

I'm a person in my late 30's--and I have a great life. I have three beautiful kids, and a really great, supportive, loving husband -- who loves me because I'm me, not in spite of it (now if I could only do the same). Oh yeah, there it is. The low self esteem. I hate that crap! Jentolose is not going to be about the low self esteem crap. Seriously. That's not the direction I'm going here! Oh yeah (grumble)--it will poke it's head out probably more often than I want--but it's not taking over.

I have a great life! I love my life. I'm fortunate to stay home with my kids and love this part of who I am--the Mom part. But I have some work to do. It's on the Jen part of who I am.

JentoLose is a person who is taking the first step to making a change. Jentolose is me.

The Start of JentoLose

2010-02-01T22:52:00.004-06:00

It's February 2010. I have been procrastinating. I think it's time that I actually start writing on JentoLose. What have I got to lose?? Hmmmmmmm. . . good question.

Almost 6 months ago, I came up with the idea to use blogging as a weight loss tool. I only really become interested in blogging about a year ago when I was trying to use coupons to save money at the grocery store. I still like to use coupons; I just abandoned the idea about trying to blog about it. There are so many blogs out there that do the job already--tons better than I would ever do.

So I got rid of that blog. But I really like doing the blogging thing. I'm an amateur with little design training (but perhaps a few skills or at least ideas)--and I love to mess around with the design and make it my own--a reflection of me.

So I thought -- I could use a blog to help me focus on something that I want to be a central goal -- losing weight and living differently. Aha! Do the blog thing!

So for the past two months, I've been designing my weight loss blog. I've been trying to figure out how to create a cutsy title (finding the perfect font is very important you know), how to add a sidebar, how to position a nav bar within a header, how to change the background and sidebar color, how to organize the blog under the right email address so I can keep track of it, etc., etc.) I've also been on the hunt for the weight loss blogs that are out there and going strong--tons of great ones. I've been doing all of this fun stuff that mainly involves setting my arse down in front of the computer.

But lets call it what it is. Procrastination. Failure to move forward. Fear. The same old shit. Inactivity. Failure to commit.

We all know that blogging is really about the posting. But I have delaying actually posting. Why? Because if I were to actually start posting, I'd actually have to act on my goals. Well, I'd have to actually, really set those goals (rather than thinking them in my head like I've been doing for the past upteen months.)

So I can't turn back now. I'm blogging. This is my weight loss blog. I'm JentoLose.