June 26, 2011

Talk Is Cheap

I like to talk a lot.  I like to think a lot.  About what I could and should do to lose a little weight.   Or a lot of weight.  I stay in this thinking state far too long.  Too often.  It becomes a holding pattern.  A state of procrastination.  Thinking.  Which is really talking to myself.  And talk is cheap.  Talk is not action!

Lately, I find myself getting mad at my husband lately--at least mad at him in my mind.  I haven't talked to him about this--yet.  I might need to or I might not.  (Remember, talk is cheap).  This past winter, my husband decided to take more control over his health.  We decided to get the gym membership, and he started to use it on a regular basis.  He still uses it on a regular basis.  He makes it a priority in his life.  He makes the choice to go--and he does it more often than not!  He is putting himself first.  He is acting on his cheap talk, and actually he doesn't talk a lot.

Why can't I do that too!  And in a way, I have started to resent him for it, or at least be a little mad at him in my mind.  Why is he taking all of this time for himself?  Here I am stuck with the weight of everything in our family.  I'm stuck with three kids needing me constantly.  I have to do everything--take care of the kids, the house, the food, the organization, the financial budgeting, the calendar.  Why can't I take that time for myself too?  Why can't I make the choice--why can't I choose me and stick to it??  Why can't I do what he is doing?

And the real--TRUE--answer is that I can!  My husband is not the one stopping me from making a choice and acting on it.  In reality, he would and could easily support me!  In reality, he would help me make this happen.  But first, I have to make the choice and act on it!  I have to choose me!  I have to stop living in this state of deciding.  I have to make myself and my health and my weight loss goals a priority.  I have to start living my cheap talk.  Better yet, I need to stop talking!

For some reason at this stage in my game, choosing me has been a hard thing to do.  I choose my children.  I choose my family.  I choose the "mom" role of who I am instead of the "me" that I am.  I know that this kind of talk is somewhat cliche in the "mom" world--"you have to take care of yourself.  you have to put yourself first and it will make you a better mom, blah, blah, blah."

For some reason, I'm afraid to choose me.  I don't even know who I am any more, and saying that is so cliche, it kind of makes me sick.  But this is my blog, and my cheap talk, so I'm going to say it.

At the same time, I feel like--if I could just start acting on my cheap talk--I might just find that answer!

I have recently been enjoying the writings and musings of Rachel Held Evans, and in the comments of one of her posts, someone mentioned this saying from Alcoholics Anonymous: "I can't think myself into acting right, but I can act myself into thinking right."  This little saying gives me some hope, and seems to apply to my struggles.

All of this thinking and cheap talk isn't going to get me to do the work.  But if I start doing the work.  And if I keep trying to do the work, and do the work, and do the work, maybe, just maybe, my little old life will start making some sense.  And the questions I hold about it all will start to make sense.   I'm going to try to hold on to this saying and move forward.

Talk is cheap.  Don't I know it!

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