How to Start Again?

It's hard to begin to write again.    Because it's the same old story:  Try to lose weight; rededicate myself; go strong for a few weeks; busy family life interferes; and I give up.  I go back to old habits of abusing food--of using food as entertainment, as a reward, as solace, as relaxation.

Since the last time I posted (in September 2010), I even made a few positive steps forward.  I decided to join Weight Watchers--to receive available help and to work a program that I know could work for me.  And we decided to cough up the big bucks and join our local community center --the gym!

But even when you pay for the services and the resources are available, you have to be willing to make the change. And you have to be willing to do the work.  And you have to be willing to keep trying to figure it out.  And you have to be willing to work it and do it and live it--even though the demands of family and children and life and husband seem to get in the way--seem to be THE excuse to throw in the towel.

And, since you're being honest with yourself--you just haven't been willing to do the work!  You have been sitting in old self destructive habits -- such as lazing on the couch all of the time, such as watching way too much TV, such as eating the same old junk to numb what ever it is you are trying to numb, such as staying up way too late, such as using food as your reason to live--sounds like a really great life Jen, now doesn't it?   You have been unwilling to even TRY to let go of all of your self destruction habits.  Even right now, you are sitting in Caribou, drinking the fattest Mocha you could buy--even when you had other options.

It's a sad, hard place to be.  Starting again.  Have you been there?

How can I make this time different?  How can I keep going?  How can I get in that "right" mind set?  You know the one-- the one where you know and feel and BELIEVE that you can do it!  You are centered and focused and you act on what you want!  And you move forward.  And you are doing it!  Living it!  Changing your life!  How do I get there?  How do I do that?  How do I make this time the last time?  How do I do it, how do I do it, how do I do it? ? ? ? ?

And how do I do it when we have laundry up to the ceilings, no food in the house, and bathrooms that are so disgusting, I don't even know what to do?  And how do I do it when I have to run kids to a million different places in just one night, and we don't get home until 8 pm?  How do I do it when I have four other people whose needs I need to care for, and there is absolutely no time for myself?  How, how, how?

Clearly, these are some of the challenges I am facing in my life.  And clearly, I'm still looking for ways to manage my life and work towards the life of health and wellness that I'm striving for.   I'm still trying to find the answer to the question.  And you all out there in bloggy land can't answer these for me! These are the questions that I have to figure out for me, for this chapter in my life.

And I'm feeling optimistic at the moment--because I KNOW the answers to these questions are out there--or even inside of me--if I just keep trying to find them.  So I'm going to keep trying.  It's all I've got right now.  But I'm going to keep trying.  I have resources.  I have the will.

And I'm going to use this blog to sort it all out for me, to keep me accountable, to bear the burdens that weigh on my heart as I continue to figure my life out--one moment, one decision at a time.


I do believe that facing and conquering this beast of an addiction called "losing weight" -- is THE greatest challenge of my life.  And when I do it, it will be one--if not THE--greatest accomplishment of my life.

Otherwise it wouldn't be so important.  Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard at time.  Otherwise it wouldn't take time.  Otherwise I wouldn't have invested (wasted) so much energy, thought, and emotion in trying to figure it all out.

But I am going to keep trying.  And I BELIEVE that this time -- IS my time!  That I am moving forward!  That starting is the first step. . . .

The State Fair

I'm still around.  Just busy.  I live in Minnesota, and my kids don't go back to school until after Labor Day.  We've been going, going, going lately with end of the summer fun and back to school shopping.  Not an excuse for not posting--just how life is.  I will post more, because I need it, but for me, it has to wait until after school starts.

Today, we spent the day at the "Great MN Get Together"--the State Fair.  Very interesting!  In walking around, people watching, I found the experience to be a microcosm view of the obesity problem in our culture.  As I watched all of the people, I remembered one of Bobbie's posts from Anonymous Fat Girl, and found myself playing a kind of "Duck, Duck, Goose "game (did you know in MN, we call it Duck, Duck Gray Duck?   I digress).   Obese, obese, obese, fit, obese, obese, obese, fit, ect, etc. 

I saw people of all shapes and sizes, but the amount of obese people was very high, and the amount of obese people using little carts/wheel chairs to get around was high.  I believe that if I attended the fair 10 or 15 or 20 years earlier, the people would look different.  This kind of makes me sad, and is a poignant indicator that obesity is a real problem in our country--an EXTREME problem.  And I don't want to be part of that problem.

And if you know anything about the MN fair, it's all about eating the food anyway.  I'm not even going to talk about the food I ate--not pretty.  Anyway.  The reason people go to the fair is to eat!  And that's a sad statement about our culture as well.

I don't really know what to make of this all, but I just couldn't NOT say something about it.  Even if it's just to help me process.

I also read in the paper that the Biggest Loser had a casting at the fair earlier in the week.  How appropriate.

All I can say is that when I go the State Fair next year, I want to do it differently! 

Back from Vacation

We just got back today from a six day vacation "up North" -- hence the reason I haven't written on here for a week.  We had a great time--it was a much needed break from reality.  We stayed at a cabin, fished, took some boat rides, and just relaxed.  It was really, really nice. 

At the same time, I fully admit I am such a home body!  And after five nights away, I am SO glad to be back home.  And now, I feel like I can tackle all of the challenges back at home--like getting my kids ready to go back to school, and all the other stuff that's at home!

I did come to two realizations on vacation.  ONE -- Planning is so important!  If I had planned our vacation meals better before leaving, I could have saved us lots of time, money, and calories.  I need to take more time planning my menu and grocery shopping.

TWO -- OK, I admit it.  I can't do this weight loss thing alone.  I need some help!  And although I just hate to do it, because I hate to part with the money, I'm going back to Weight Watchers.  I don't know why I've fought going back--well, I hate to pay the money.  I kind of figured that if I was to lose the weight for good, I needed to figure out how to do it on my own.  But be honest with yourself Jen--that's just not working for you.  (And at about $10 a week, it's not that costly.  I'm sure I waste $10 on junk often!)

So Weight Watchers it is.  And I have had good success using their program in the past--but then I would go and have another baby and unravel any success I had.  But I'm pretty certain that my baby bearing days are over.  So it's time to move forward and get the help I need.

Everything is a little more challenging since I am with my children ALL of the time (can you tell I am looking forward to school starting).  So OK, I'm going to start WW the same week my kids go back to school--the week after Labor Day.  I would start this week, but I really don't want to mess with having someone watch my kids.  I know, sounds lame, but that's where I am right now.

But that doesn't mean I can't be conscientious right now.  And that means I'm heading to bed to get a good nights sleep.  Yes it's a rambling post, but I'm glad to be posting.  I'm going to keep trying to make this blog thing work for me.

Posting and Comments

Posting -- 
I haven't posted on this baby for quite some time.  Because I have started and stopped and started and stopped so many times in the last six months--the story of my life, you know--I'm a bit hesitant about how I'm going to use this blog for my weight loss purposes.  I feel like I have failed, but I haven't really.  I have wasted my time, yes, but trying to move forward and act is a really great thing for me!  I don't want to talk about the past, but I do want to learn from the struggles.

As I begin to work my program, I was tempted to give myself a grace period.  I would get going in my plan for a few weeks and then start publishing my posts.  But that doesn't really keep me accountable.  And I need accountability -- to myself that I will post and track on this darn thing.

Comments -- 
I find that I love it when people leave a comment on one of my posts.  But I have also find myself too influenced by the words or tone or innuendo of many well intentioned comments.  When people comment with words of encouragement, I feel like I am being too whimpy and whining.  And when people call me out on my inability to act or my long-winded-ness, I take it too personally.  I was tempted to start posting again and turn the comments off, just for a while.  But no--comments are a good thing.  I want to connect with others out there who are sharing their own weight loss journey.  I want it to be about connection and communication and sharing information

So as I continue with my journey here, I am trying to really focus on my vision and how I want to proceed.  It's about me right now, selfishly about me and what I am doing.    So please leave a comment if my words reach you.  And if I don't respond or reply to a comment right now, know that it's because I'm trying to focus on my own vision, my own acceptance of who I am and what I'm doing. 

What I Am Learning -- Planning Is Key!

Whew!  What a day I've had and it's only lunch time!  So Sunday night when I was regrouping for the week, it sounded like a great idea to start blogging--to really put myself out there!  And right away I'm taught that my imperfect life is not a reason to overeat and throw in the towel.  A little blogging right now means a little accountability.  So I'm still here.

So here's the short on what's happening and what I'm learning:

Life this last day and a half has been crazy--as usual.  I've been preparing, loading, and delivering tons of stuff to a local consignment sale--my attempt to rid the baby gear while not having my own garage sale.  A mom's night out last night proved too tempting (food wise) and a rain storm messed up my whole morning and delivery of my sale items.  Top it all off, I finally get my kids home for lunch and we have hardly any food in the house.  Bad news!

So my first reaction is to throw in the towel and say--life's crazy--let's eat!  Not such a good reaction.

What I'm learning is that I have to PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!  My food, my meals!  I have to take this part of the plan seriously.  If I knew what I was planning to eat for lunch, I wouldn't be tempted by certain foods in the fridge.  If I have my salad greens clean and my vegetables cut, it would be easy to grab them and go.

The lesson to learn is -- make the planning a priority!  It will help me get where I want to go and move me forward!

So even though I haven't been posting or commenting, I've still been reading the blogs.  And on many of the blogs I read, the writers are struggling with daily decisions.  Their weight fluctuates.  They aren't perfect.  But they are continuing to keep trying, keep doing the work, continuing to make their life happen.  It's truly inspiring.

So with all of my blog reading, and with all of the talk in the media about the "obesity epidemic," I am STRUCK by how truly challenging this losing weight thing really is. 

Now I know that people like to read positive thoughts and energy -- I get that!  But I am STRUCK by how challenging this losing weight thing really is.  Even the people who have tackled their weight loss demons and are winning (all you great bloggers out there) -- they still struggle.

It's a battle.  It's a struggle.  It's a challenge.  It's hard.  You have to keep going.  Keep fighting.  Keep trying again.  Keep regrouping.  Keep picking up the pieces.   Keep fighting the fight.  I know I'm not supposed to say it, but it's the damn truth!

And it doesn't matter it you have 10 or 50 or 200 pounds to lose--or even if you are maintaining.  We are all trying to do the job.  Yes, some of you might have a good momentum going.  And others are still working at it.  But we are all trying to do the job.

I believe that we all have our own challenges to face.  I don't have other problems, but I do have a problem with eating too much--and it's taken over my life for way to long.  But I believe I've been given this challenge for a reason.  I believe that I'm supposed to conquer it!  I am supposed to figure this thing out!   It's not supposed to be easy!  Nothing important is ever easy!  But I'm going to do it!  And the plan is--sooner rather than later.

And as I tackle this beast of my problem, there are going to lots of questions and answers, highs, and lows, discovery and reflection.  It's going to be damn hard--I just want to say it!  But I can do it!

Losing the weight is my challenge, it's my battle.  And I have my armor on--ready to fight!
--

My Need to Write

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to use Jen to Lose as my place to write about my journey.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do and how I need to proceed to continue the journey of working toward my weight loss goals.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff, but I haven't been acting on that stuff.  But that's OK.  That's where I am at in this moment.

I've wanted to be really upbeat and positive and encouraging, saying things like, "You can do this Jen!  I know you can!  Keep trying!  You're making the change."  And I want to say those things, because sometimes they will help me.  I will say those things.  But not right now.

Right now, I want to contemplate.  I want to think about how I can do this differently.  About what I need to do differently.  I've decided that I need to keep going.  I need to make slow but steady steps.  I need to process my thoughts.  I need to write.  I need to do the work.

About six weeks ago, I started using this blog, I got on plan, and I was going strong.  But I let a stressful week of craziness derail my efforts after three weeks.  I made the choice to not do the work.  I stopped writing.  I was probably guilty and ashamed that I was giving up, failing, etc, etc.  And so I stopped writing.

But I need to write.  I need to figure things out.  I need to get my thoughts and feelings out!  Because they clutter up my head!  I have all this clutter in my house and my head!  And I want to get rid of it all!  I'm calling it spring cleaning!  Spring clean my head!  Anyway.

So I'm going to write.  I'm going to ramble on and on and on.  I'm going to process.  It is what I need.  It is a small step.  This week I am writing.  This week I am thinking.  This week I am spring cleaning my head.

Some might consider this procrastination, and it might be just a little.  But I really feel like I need to do this write now!  I do feel that sometimes move my mouth too much (eating and talking) and don't actually move and act.  But I honestly feel like this is where I am at right now.

And though I would love to be like you strong bloggers out there--hitting the gym hard--I'm not there right now!  You keep going because your actions inspire me!  I'm just accepting that I'm not there, at least not this week.  I am here.  And it's OK.

Now sometimes when I get into my "pour out my soul" mode, I express a lot of my insecurities.  And that's OK--that's where I'm at.  I need to get it out.  I might sound a little whiny.  I might sound down on myself.  I'm just getting all of the crap off of my chest so I can move from self pity mode to the fighting, "you can do this" mode!  I'm not asking for sympathy.  I just I'm expressing where I am at.

Now I don't really think there is anyone out there still reading this post that is going on forever, but just in case, I want to say this:

There are some amazing people out there who have already started to support me in my weight loss journey!  You've commented and encouraged--and I SOOO, SOOO appreciate it!  I long for the comments!  They keep me going!  I love reading them!   But when I get a little whiny and long winded and down right pathetic, you really don't have to say anything (unless you really want to).  I can't believe I am asking people not to comment--I'm crazy!  Now the four people who I've actually connected with will never comment again. 

What I'm trying to say, is I'm saying all of the stuff because I HAVE to say it for myself--not because I'm asking for the encouragement--does that make any sense at all?  I love, love, love the encouragement, so if you are still reading this, you truly are a saint, and should leave a comment if you would like.  Or you could just think me a strong, happy thought--and that thought will go a long way in providing the encouragement I need! 

OK.  So all three of you out there who I don't really think are reading this--please don't stop commenting.  I'm just laughing at how ridiculous this is all sounding.  It makes sense in my head.

Anyway!  I love the Dr. Seuss quote that started this "longest post ever."  I love quotes in general.  So I'm going to use them to guide my talk as I post this week.  I'm also going to focus in on my goals.  This has been so hard for me to do, and it's the area where I hit a road block when I started this business a few weeks ago.

So I am here!  I am still in the game!  Game on!

Red Lobster Victory and house stress.

I'm still hanging in there with week 3!  Had a small victory on Monday.  We were taking care of some banking issues, so met my inlaws for lunch at Red Lobster.  In the past, this definitely would have meant a chance for me to go off my eating plan.  But I didn't!  Instead, I said to myself, "Oh well!  You won't be having all of that buttery stuff.  But you can still have a great meal."  And I did--yummy!  I limited myself to one cheese biscuit and made really wise choices (won't bore you with the details).

It's turned into a crazy week!  It turns out we have decided to move forward (at least gathering up all of the information needed--which is a lot) in deciding to buy a new home and sell our current home.

We have found a great home with double the space in our same elementary school boundary area.  If we can make the finances work, we are going to move forward.  That mean preparing to sell our home.  And if we want to be elegible for the tax credit, we need to move fast in order to have it sold (purchase order in place by 4/30).

So what does this all mean to me?  STRESS!  And in the past, stress meant -- time to eat!  But not this time!  I'm a little worried about how this is all going to play out and affect my sticking to my goals.  But I'm pretty positive about sticking to my plan--hell or high water.  I feel really strong and confident when I say that!  I don't want to return to the stress eating.  It's going to be a few challenging months.  We'll just have to wait and see and take it one day at a time.  I feel calm in the fact that I know I can do it!

I still haven't really added the E word in to my life yet!  Feels like there's no room for it--I know--total cop out!  If I am really serious about my goals, I have to (and I want to) more forward with some activity.  I will do this!  I will make it part of my routine!  It is probably not happening this week (or by the weekend at the earliest).

Life is good Jen!  You are gaining so much by staying the course!  How awesome is that!

New Habits in Week Two

Week 2 Goals
--To do an exercise walking video twice this week.
--To continue to track my eating in my food journal--limiting a sugar treat (if needed) to one a day.

So I'm going strong into week two and it feels great! It's amazing how great you feel when your body is not on the sugar highs and lows. I feel soo much better all ready! I don't feel the craving for the sugar. For that reason, I am really trying to limit my sugar intake.

It's interesting how my mind works. Before I started, I was eating all the time--for entertainment. And so I continue to find my mind returning to old habits. For example, it's getting to be bedtime for the kids, and I catch my mind thinking, "What am I going to eat tonight?" And then I remember, "Oh yeah, I'm not eating for fun anymore."

I'm trying to pay close attention to my hunger signals and if I am really wanting a food. I did have some air popped popcorn a few nights last week, and that was fine. It's interesting to me how, right now, I don't really need to eat the food during the evening--when I used to do it routinely. It's doable right now.

I know that right now, I am in the honeymoon period, and that the craving for the treats and sugar will return--especially in the evening--all of that emotional eating when I was really tired at the end of the day. Of course there are underlying issues there--otherwise I wouldn't have a problem with my weight and overeating.

But right now, I'm in a good place, and I'm going to take it. No worries. Here's to a strong week 2.

Week One in Review

Small Successes: detoxing from sugar, drinking lots of water, minimum night eating (no sugar), limiting myself to one pizza slice

It has been a great week! I'm actually making the change. The first steps are over--this is my life, me living it, and it feels great!

I'll weigh in tomorrow. Not too worried about what the scale says. I just feel so great that I am making this change. It hasn't been easy, but honestly it hasn't been the worst thing in the world.

Early in the week, I noticed some of my bad habits -- or, the kids are gone, let's eat! So now I can't do that! I'm sure this will still be a challange, but I am aware of it.

I've had to do a little whining in this process. It maybe hasn't come out in these posts here, but it's definitely in my head. It's like I've been saying in my whiniest voice -- "This is going to be so hard." So what Jen--deal with it! You are making the choice to do it, so deal with it! And, even more importantly, you have the determination to really make this happen. How awesome is that!

I've eaten some great food this week. Chili, Strawberry PB Smoothies, and almonds helped keep me satisfied. Having chicken and rice cooked early in the week made it easy for me to make a few quick stir fry for lunches.

For Valentine's Day, my family went bowling for two hours. I'm now feeling a few aches, which let's me know that, oh yes, my body has not moved for a while--and it needs to start moving. While bowling, we had pizza, and I limited myself to one slice--a huge success. Valentine dinner was surf and turf--with other healthy fixings--ending with an "on the lighter side" chocolate cake. I didn't feel deprived at all.

It's been a great first week! You are awesome Jen! You are starting small. You are making food changes. And you are moving forward. Here's to tomorrow and week #two.

Move Away from the Fat -- the Language of Losing Weight

My last post was on all of my fears. I know it was a lot, and I know it was a little bit of a downer. But I just had to get it out there. I've had a really great first week of making some changes--an awesome week actually! But at the same time, I feel a little bit uncertain.

I really want to keep Jen to Lose positive and encouraging, because I think that will help me the most. At the same time, if I am being honest, and Jen to Lose is my place to do so, I'm going to talk about my insecurities. I'm going to have down days, and I will share about them. I'm positive that I am going to have TONS of amazing things to share that will just light up Jen to Lose! I'm certain! So before I move on to my next post where I talk about this GREAT week, I have one more thing that I have been struggling with:

(Whew! What a long introduction!) As I write and try to describe what I am doing here, I am struggling to find the right language that REALLY explains what I am doing.

I keep using words like

getting healthy, changing my life, my action plan, living my best life, making a change for the better, moving my body more, better eating, better living.

There are tons more that I just can't think of right now. BUT THESE WORDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! Now these words really are actually pretty good--nothing really wrong with them. But I feel like I have said them all before. I feel like I am being too nice to myself when I am using them. I feel like I might be avoiding the read deal when I say them. I feel like they are BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Perhaps these words are part of the denial. Perhaps I am just trying to avoid being so blunt as to say -- "I have made myself really fat and I want to get rid of my fat ass!" (BTW, I just read an intersting post by Mrs. Fat Ass about her name, which made me think a lot). I think I try to avoid the negative labels because I don't think they really encourage me.

But let's face the facts. I am fat! I can avoid the word all I want but it's true! The O word--another thing that scares me. Yes I am obese--probably pretty close if not in the morbidly obese category. It's reality! And there is nothing wrong with that! (Well yes there is, that's why I'm here). But face it Jen! There is a lot of good that can come when you just state the truth. Don't just sugar coat it with all of the nice, pretty words. Now move forward!

Yes you are fat right now! You know that. And you are making a change. You are moving forward towards your goals (what are those goals again?) Move away from the fat (LOL). Do the work now, one itty bitty moment at time, to change your life, to lose the fat, to lose the weight. You know, you are NOT going to be fat forever, because you are making the decision to change your life. And words might not really explain it. But you are doing the work! And that's all that matters.

Oh, you have so much to gain. Right now, in the present, and in your future. I'm excited to keep going on the journey.

(BTW, it feels pretty damn good to write this post--I needed it!)

Fear

I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid that this attempt to lose weight will be like all the others. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid that I can't commit. I'm afraid that I won't do. I'm afraid I will chose food instead of me, instead of everything else that is so good and rich in my life. I'm afraid to start. Afraid.


I'm afraid for my children -- afraid that they will learn and embed all of my bad habits. I'm afraid that I will die--that I am treating my body so badly that I will have a heart attack or some other ailment like diabetes. I'm afraid that I can't change. I'm afraid that this will be like all of the other times. How can I make it different? How will I know when it is?

I'm afraid that I will have to change my life. I'm afraid that I won't want to change my life. I'm afraid that I will have to get up earlier and stay up later. I'm afraid that I will have to watch less TV, and that I won't. I'm afraid that I am looking at all of the "have tos. I'm afraid I am looking at this all wrong--just like the past. I'm afraid that I'm going to want to sit on the couch.

How do I make this time different? I have said in the past that this isn't a diet. That I am making the change for life, because we all know that diets don't work. We all know that "all or nothing" thinking doesn't work. Don't we? But what does?

This isn't a diet! But I am going to need to change my life, my habits, my actions. And change can be hard. Change is hard--I have a hard time with it.

Here's the thing -- I'm afraid of not starting. I'm afraid of not changing. I'm afraid of continuing down this road of self destruction and denial. I'm afraid of wasting my life away with all of these worries and all of this damn fear! Seriously!

If I can do one thing as part of this process it is to LOSE THE FEAR.

As you can see from this massive post of insecurities, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I wrote most of this post last week, and now I am 4 days in to eating healthy and moving forward. And I still have the fear! I"m scared! I can't really explain it any better right now. I know, sounds pretty pathetic.

But I'm taking a step. I'm controlling the food I put in my body. Baby step. I'm writing about my process here. baby step. Be patient with yourself Jen. You are on the right track! You have made a strong start! You are going strong! You are living your life! You are making the change you have wanted. Give yourself a little credit and keep going. Just keep going.

Baby Weight Is Still Weight to Lose

I don't know if I mentioned yet that I have a 6 month old baby (almost 7). My third baby. My last baby.

Before the babe was born, I weighed 205 lbs. Nine months pregnant--I weighed 250. This week, I weighed 236. This is the exact same pattern I followed with all three of my children.

When my first child was about a year, I joined Weight Watchers for the first time, and it took me a while, but I lost the weight and more--down to 183 lbs. But when I became pregnant with my 2nd, when right back up to 250, down to around 235. And I lost that baby weight too--down to 187 a few years ago, but up to about 205 before pregnancy #3.

Sorry to bore with numbers, but those numbers are engrained in my head. One of my goals is to get down to that 183 lb mark (haven't posted my goals yet--that's a post in progress).

One of the numbers that scares me the most right now is my waist size --49". That's a big waist! My daughter knows that it's a big middle--she has asked me twice when my tummy was going to go back to normal.

I am back into some of my pre-pregnancy clothing--the big stuff! Most of the stuff is tight in the belly.

With all of this rambling, I am trying to say that all of this baby weight is weight now! The baby is out, and it doesn't matter that I was recently pregnant. It doesn't matter that I put this weight on while pregnant. It's all just weight. pounds. fat. The result of the decision I have made, of the excess food I have put into my body. I need to make the decision to address the fat around my middle and everywhere on my body.

I think I am still in denial about what my body actually looks like. I've been meaning to post some pictures up here--need to do that soon.

I figure that I am using JentoLose to lose the weight, I might as well put the pictures out there. I'm going to keep my clothes on though. Just putting fat pictures of me out there is bad enough right now.

Here's one goal. With the first two pregnancies, it took me an entire year before I took action to shed the baby weight. And now I'm at 6 months post baby--I'm six months ahead of the game.

And no more babies, so it's time to lose it for good this time. That's why this time is going to be different.

Eating Has Been My Hobby

Since I have been tracking my eating for three days strong now, changing my eating habits is highlighting how much I have been eating. On a typical day before tracking, I would eat ALL day! Just because--the food was there.

And I would definitely eat when my children were not in the house. My five year old's off to preschool? Time for the ice cream! Baby's napping? Weren't there some chips left? It's ridiculous--and not in a good way. My body is sooooo addicted to sugar, it's not even funny!

What I am realizing is that I have to change my habits, change my routines. Right now, my body is programmed to eat, eat, eat. And I have to give it the time to reprogram. I'm sure I'm probably having sugar withdrawal. I've had kind of a light constant headache for a few days now--I attributed it to hormones, but sugar levels definitely could play a part.

The question I have to ask myself is -- what do I do now that I am not eating? (Eating the junk that is). I am trying to eat at regular intervals throughout the day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack).

I need to develop some new habits. I've been chewing lots of gum so my mouth has something to do, and drinking lots of water. I do need to add the exercise, but right now I'm going with tracking the food. I'll let my body adjust and add the exercise soon.

I also recently realized that I have abandoned some of my old hobbies. Just haven't had time for them. Why no time? Because I was sitting on the couch eating. I would love to play the piano more and sing more and read more and move my body more. I would love to play with my kids more and read books with them and just be with them.

So the question I am still trying to figure out--if eating is no longer my hobby, what is??? How do I start doing more and thinking about the food less? Do I still want to eat the junk? No. . . yes. . . no! I'm reminded again how eating healthy doesn't have to be depriving!

These are my random thoughts--sorry if someone is actually reading this and I sound crazy! Thanks for reading my randomness

Work In Progress

I can't seem to make it on to the computer lately. Since I'm home with my kids, I try to limit my computer time to when they are at preschool or sleeping, so it really doesn't leave me a lot of time. But I think getting the "stuff" out of my head is an important part of the process, so I think I need to figure out how to write on a regular basis.

One step at a time.

I would love to do tons more one creating a cool design to JentoLose and I would love to do lots of great, amazing, inspiring posts like I keep reading out in bloggy land. But I'm just not there. It's all a work in progress.

I have to claim where I am at. And right now that means posting a lot of random thoughts, posting when I can, and just making the decision to change--one decision at a time.

I have been tracking my eating for three days strong now--feels good, feels great! I have actually been hungry. It's pretty sad that I haven't felt hunger pains in a long time--I can't even tell you when the last time I felt hungry.

I'm kind of tired now, so should wrap up soon. One of my bloggy problems is staying up way too late to blog. I'm trying to get to bed earlier--hoping to get into a better routine.

Am I Starting?

Something interesting is happening this week. So I have finally started to write on Jentolose. I'm sloooooooooowly making the commitment, but haven't quite set the "start date" yet. Because you know there has to be a start date (why, I'm not really sure). Anyway. But I'm getting ready. Let's be honest--I'm still in my "failing to act" mode. But I'm making progress.

Here's the thing. The one good thing I have done this week is -- I haven't bought or brought any junk food into the house. All week after lunch and dinner, my kids have asked, "What's for dessert?" And we just say, "No dessert tonight." And here's the amazing thing -- the world did not end! They did not fall to the floor flailing and crying. They're used to having dessert, but when we don't have it, life goes on. And it's OK--better than OK.

This gives me hope. We can change our habits. Change our lives. One baby step at a time.

Today I went to both Trader Joes and Aldis and completely stocked up on some foods that will help me get off to a good, strong start -- frozen fruit, natural peanut butter, EVOO, brown rice, produce, salmon, tilapia etc. And I resisted a lot of the bad stuff--you know the stuff with hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup.

I know this progress is so slow for me, but I am really getting there. Tomorrow, I am staying home all day. I need to hit the hay now, but tomorrow, I commit to doing two things:

--Getting my food journal in place. (This means finding the journal I bought months ago and putting it in my kitchen.)
--Pulling out some of the exercise equipment I am going to use and making it readily available.

I know that some of this must sound pretty stupid and "stuck." But I do think I am making progress. It helps to write about it.

Here's to tomorrow.