I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid that this attempt to lose weight will be like all the others. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid that I can't commit. I'm afraid that I won't do. I'm afraid I will chose food instead of me, instead of everything else that is so good and rich in my life. I'm afraid to start. Afraid.
I'm afraid for my children -- afraid that they will learn and embed all of my bad habits. I'm afraid that I will die--that I am treating my body so badly that I will have a heart attack or some other ailment like diabetes. I'm afraid that I can't change. I'm afraid that this will be like all of the other times. How can I make it different? How will I know when it is?
I'm afraid that I will have to change my life. I'm afraid that I won't want to change my life. I'm afraid that I will have to get up earlier and stay up later. I'm afraid that I will have to watch less TV, and that I won't. I'm afraid that I am looking at all of the "have tos. I'm afraid I am looking at this all wrong--just like the past. I'm afraid that I'm going to want to sit on the couch.
How do I make this time different? I have said in the past that this isn't a diet. That I am making the change for life, because we all know that diets don't work. We all know that "all or nothing" thinking doesn't work. Don't we? But what does?
This isn't a diet! But I am going to need to change my life, my habits, my actions. And change can be hard. Change is hard--I have a hard time with it.
Here's the thing -- I'm afraid of not starting. I'm afraid of not changing. I'm afraid of continuing down this road of self destruction and denial. I'm afraid of wasting my life away with all of these worries and all of this damn fear! Seriously!
If I can do one thing as part of this process it is to LOSE THE FEAR.
As you can see from this massive post of insecurities, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I wrote most of this post last week, and now I am 4 days in to eating healthy and moving forward. And I still have the fear! I"m scared! I can't really explain it any better right now. I know, sounds pretty pathetic.
But I'm taking a step. I'm controlling the food I put in my body. Baby step. I'm writing about my process here. baby step. Be patient with yourself Jen. You are on the right track! You have made a strong start! You are going strong! You are living your life! You are making the change you have wanted. Give yourself a little credit and keep going. Just keep going.