So, it's May 9th, 2010, and I'm still here. In the same spot. Just older.
But the good news is I'm still here.
There comes a time when you do just need to act. There comes a time when I just need to act.
Since the last time I posted, life has continued. I've still been reading the blogs, leaving a comment here and there. And I've still thought about making the effort to lose the weight.
And I'm still here.
We all have problems, and I know I have my share. And if I were to name a main one it would be -- time management. And focusing and acting on what I want. And if I decide to change and wake up tomorrow and make a change, my life will still be hard. It won't be that bit of perfection that I long for--that I think I need. I still will not be focused.
For some reason I have bought into the idea that I need to find my focus and then I will have the will and the drive and the know-how to act. But this is pure bologna. I will never be focused enough. I will never have my life in this perfect little box that I think it needs to be in before I can act. This is your reality Jen. And that's OK. That's where you are.
I don't need perfection. I need action. I need to act in my life. And that's what I am going to do starting today. This very moment. This very second. I want to participate in my life.
I get so overwhelmed -- so easily. And I do it to myself in so many ways. My mind gets weighed down with the world of everything I need to do or haven't done. I become so overwhelmed, I get nothing done. I even do it with books. I bet I have over 50 books checked out from the library--and I read NONE of them. I have built up menu planning and grocery shopping to be so hard and complicated that I put it off and procrastinate. I do this to myself.
I think I need to break things into smaller chunks. Everyone says, start small. Easier said than done. But I'm trying it. Sometimes easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.
Now I could look at myself as pretty pathetic right now -- as one of those bloggers who started blogging to lose and then just dropped off the face of the planet. But that's just not my story. Because I'm still here. And I know that I'm OK right where I am, right this moment. My life isn't perfect; my journey isn't perfect. But I'm on the journey.
You see, I feel like I have lost myself in these past few months and years. Don't know how that happens, but it does. It's where I'm at. Perhaps it starts with having a new baby--which totally changes you life in so many ways. And perhaps I would be more focused with everything if I could just get a solid chunk of sleep with out being awaken three times a night. But that's just not my life right now. I have three babes--all with needs--and it is my job to take care of them and nurture them. But Jen, you know that you will best be able to take care of them if your own needs are met. If you put yourself first a little bit.
I've lost myself a little. I'm 37 years old, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm a feeling a little lost. a little scared. a little sad that I'm at this point right now. But this is where I am.
This good thing is -- I have the power to change my life, to take a new path, to go on this journey to find -- ME! How exciting is that! And I know I can make the change, make the connection, and find the real me.''
The difference this time is that I am acting on my desires. I'm making the connection between what I want and the way I live my life. I'm moving my body. I'm setting my goals and I'm acting on those goals! It's all about me and my life and my priorities!
This Mother's Day 2010, I walked with my family on the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure, and it felt good. But it wasn't easy because I haven't been walking regularly. But it gives me hope because I know I can do that. I can walk. And I have memories of times when I was walking a lot -- where walking was a priority. I have memories of feeling strong and motivated and encouraged.
My goal is that next year -- I will run the 5K at the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure! I'm gonna do this!
So I'm a little lost, a little out of focus, a little messed up. My life is not perfect. I have a few things to work on. But I can begin. . . or continue. Because I want to do this. I want to come a little closer to knowing who I am.
No perfection here. Just Jen. I love who I am. I love this body that has gotten me to today. And I'm going to keep on.
Mainly for me. But for me kids too. And my husband. But mainly for me.
I'm still here. Kind of smiling. Kind of crying. It's all good.
Going places I've yet to discover.