It's hard to begin to write again. Because it's the same old story: Try to lose weight; rededicate myself; go strong for a few weeks; busy family life interferes; and I give up. I go back to old habits of abusing food--of using food as entertainment, as a reward, as solace, as relaxation.
Since the last time I posted (in September 2010), I even made a few positive steps forward. I decided to join Weight Watchers--to receive available help and to work a program that I know could work for me. And we decided to cough up the big bucks and join our local community center --the gym!
But even when you pay for the services and the resources are available, you have to be willing to make the change. And you have to be willing to do the work. And you have to be willing to keep trying to figure it out. And you have to be willing to work it and do it and live it--even though the demands of family and children and life and husband seem to get in the way--seem to be THE excuse to throw in the towel.
And, since you're being honest with yourself--you just haven't been willing to do the work! You have been sitting in old self destructive habits -- such as lazing on the couch all of the time, such as watching way too much TV, such as eating the same old junk to numb what ever it is you are trying to numb, such as staying up way too late, such as using food as your reason to live--sounds like a really great life Jen, now doesn't it? You have been unwilling to even TRY to let go of all of your self destruction habits. Even right now, you are sitting in Caribou, drinking the fattest Mocha you could buy--even when you had other options.
It's a sad, hard place to be. Starting again. Have you been there?
How can I make this time different? How can I keep going? How can I get in that "right" mind set? You know the one-- the one where you know and feel and BELIEVE that you can do it! You are centered and focused and you act on what you want! And you move forward. And you are doing it! Living it! Changing your life! How do I get there? How do I do that? How do I make this time the last time? How do I do it, how do I do it, how do I do it? ? ? ? ?
And how do I do it when we have laundry up to the ceilings, no food in the house, and bathrooms that are so disgusting, I don't even know what to do? And how do I do it when I have to run kids to a million different places in just one night, and we don't get home until 8 pm? How do I do it when I have four other people whose needs I need to care for, and there is absolutely no time for myself? How, how, how?
Clearly, these are some of the challenges I am facing in my life. And clearly, I'm still looking for ways to manage my life and work towards the life of health and wellness that I'm striving for. I'm still trying to find the answer to the question. And you all out there in bloggy land can't answer these for me! These are the questions that I have to figure out for me, for this chapter in my life.
And I'm feeling optimistic at the moment--because I KNOW the answers to these questions are out there--or even inside of me--if I just keep trying to find them. So I'm going to keep trying. It's all I've got right now. But I'm going to keep trying. I have resources. I have the will.
And I'm going to use this blog to sort it all out for me, to keep me accountable, to bear the burdens that weigh on my heart as I continue to figure my life out--one moment, one decision at a time.
I do believe that facing and conquering this beast of an addiction called "losing weight" -- is THE greatest challenge of my life. And when I do it, it will be one--if not THE--greatest accomplishment of my life.
Otherwise it wouldn't be so important. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard at time. Otherwise it wouldn't take time. Otherwise I wouldn't have invested (wasted) so much energy, thought, and emotion in trying to figure it all out.
But I am going to keep trying. And I BELIEVE that this time -- IS my time! That I am moving forward! That starting is the first step. . . .